David Lloyd informing listeners in his inimitable Lancastrian accent that it's time to "start the car" when it becomes apparent one of the teams is about to be thrashed.
1. David Lloyd informing listeners in his inimitable Lancastrian accent that it's time to "start the car" when it becomes apparent one of the teams is about to be thrashed. It makes you wonder about his team-talks when he was England coach.
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2. A maniacally grinning Younis Khan protesting that, yes, Pakistan do take Twenty20 cricket seriously but at the end of the day it's all just a bit of fun isn't it, and let's not get too worked up nowu2026
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3. A gratuitous dig from Sourav Ganguly in the commentary box aimed at John Buchanan, who was recently sacked as coach of Kolkata Knight Riders. Ganguly's co-commentator mischievously points out that Shane Warne would almost certainly agree.
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4. A few shots of crusty old MCC members looking on disapprovingly as three cheerleaders strut their stuff in front of a virtually empty pavilion. Expect several references to the "egg-and-bacon" brigade as the camera zooms in on the MCC club tie.
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5. Salman Butt hanging his head in shame like a naughty schoolboy after making a mess of another skier and copping an earful from his captain for his pains. An apologetic shake of the head does little to calm Younis down.
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6. A shot of the Old Father Time, the weather vane that watches over Lord's, accompanied by the observation from a commentator that "the old man will never have seen anything like it" as another reverse-sweep is timed for four.
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7. A futile slo-mo attempt to pick the variations of Sri Lanka mystery spinner Ajantha Mendis as a Pakistani batsman gropes hopelessly at the carrom ball. Or was it the leg-break? Or the offie? Or the one that didn't turn...?
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8. A replay of Umar Gul's last over against South Africa, when he bowled one laser-accurate yorker after another... but no mention of the ball-tampering whispers instigated by New Zealand after Gul destroyed them with five for six.
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9. Nasser Hussain's knowing and slightly exasperated declaration that "you just can't cut Shahid Afridi", together with the harsh reminder that it was the first thing England would write on the dressing-room flipchart whenever he captained them against Pakistan.
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10. Multiple camera shots of the best-looking Pakistani girls in the crowd, who will inevitably have the green and white crescent painted on their cheeks and waving placards declaring their undying love for matinee idol all-rounder Shahid Afridi.
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11. Ian Chappell grudgingly conceding that "you didn't see too many of those in my day" as Tillakaratne Dilshan flips the ball over his head and the keeper's, almost necessitating a visit to a London dentist in the process.
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12. A frame-by-frame dissection of Muttiah Muralitharan's goggle-eyed, grunting approach to the crease, replete with the comment from Kepler Wessels that "he really is a unique talent, this guy u2013 but, boy, does he enjoy the game of cricket!"
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13. Shahid Afridi (yes, him again) whacks a good-length ball straight up in the air and is caught at backward point, prompting Harsha Bhogle to ask loudly of his fellow commentator: "But why are you trying to apply logic to Afridi?!"
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14. Lasith Malinga tenderly kissing the ball as he prepares to unleash another low-slung thunderbolt onto the stumps of an unsuspecting Pakistani. Expect a fatuous comparison with West Indian Fidel Edwards, who is not actually playing.
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15. A revealing close-up of the space-age media centre at Lord's Nursery End demonstrates that most journalists are either queuing for their third meal of the day or have their head buried in a newspaper. The rest have their back to the play.
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16. Mahela Jayawardene gives Ian Bishop a post-match interview that is so softly spoken that Bishop has to lean in to hear what he is saying. None the wiser, Bishop showers Jayawardene with his praise for his "dignity and leadership".
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17. Angelo Mathews, new-ball destroyer of West Indies, hoves into view, encouraging Chappell to declare: "And you thought there were only three Ms in the Sri Lanka team: Murali, Malinga and Mendis. This boy deserves to join them!"
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18. A six disappears into the crowd, where an excited fan makes a mess of the catch, then realises his drop was caught on camera. Everyone around him laughs and points as the red-faced supporter milks his 15 minutes of fame.
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19. A close-up of the Pakistan dug-out reveals a grim-faced team manager Intikhab Alam wearing his old green Test cap and folding his arms. "What sort of a player would he have made in this format?" wonders Bhogle.
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20. Mathews juggles a catch on the boundary, loses his balance, throws the ball in the air, performs a triple salchow, signs an autograph, fries an egg, then knocks the ball back into play. Unimpressed, the umpire signals six.
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