I am really looking forward to 2015, now that the last few months of 2014 have been so exciting what with all the protests and bannings and burnings. Why in last few days, we have demanded a ban on the film PK, we have burned Perumal Murugan’s novel in Tamil Nadu, we have protested about everything that might possibly affect Indian culture, especially things like women wearing jeans. We tried to cancel Christmas. Also, one of our dear BJP MP friends in Bhopal has also objected to people having too much sex though I don’t know how he knows.
Saving Indian culture is much better than creating infrastructure and “Make in India” means proving that everything worthwhile was already made in India once upon a time. Pic/PTI
Plus, in 2014, we have proved that so many things were invented in ancient India. Like cross-species plastic surgery including head transplants, genetic science, nuclear bombs, aeroplanes, aeroplanes that fly backwards and sideways and interplanetary travel... How much more exciting can 2015 be?
Now I know what they said when they promised us “achhe din” or “good days” with this new government. I know many people thought that it meant more jobs and money and infrastructure and my next door neighbour really wanted that bullet train and even got his gun licence renewed but they didn’t understand the best part of it.
Saving Indian culture is much better than creating infrastructure and “make in India” means proving that everything worthwhile was already made in India once upon a time.
I have a list, therefore, of things to be banned and protested against and this includes a list of proof of our greatness.
Flowers. These have to be banned. They can have bright colours. They distract you. They can be foreign. They can lead to sex (which shortens your life like our MP friend said and all old Hindi films have proved that flowers mean sex) and this goes against both Indian culture and ancient Indian discoveries like in vitro fertilisation, which means sex is just not required for procreation. Of course, there is a slight problem here because Mohan Bhagwat of the RSS said Hindus should have more children and you might imagine that our BJP MP’s proscription on sex contradicts that. This once again shows your ignorance of ancient Indian discoveries like genetic science, in vitro fertilisation and test tube babies.
Books. It is better to ban all books in 2015 so we can avoid not reading them, burning them, being upset by them. You never know when a writer will upset you (No, I don’t mean Chetan Bhagat, he’s a friend of ours). But many writers may like to talk about old customs and just talking about them might be against Indian culture or Hindus or Muslims or anybody. Also, banning books will help the environment (less fires from burning books) and forests (less trees cut down) and this leaves the forests for our industrialist friends to cut down.
Mobile phones. This is obvious. Women use them and as a result culture will be destroyed.
Films. On second thoughts, it is great fun to run down the streets chucking bricks at cinema halls. Plus, what about the next 100 sequels to Dabangg? And those jhatak-matak badnaam dances that I love to watch on my mobile... o dear.
I’ve already banned mobile phones, haven’t I?
I can’t ban computers either because they were all invented in ancient India. But I can ban laptops because they sound like they’re against Indian culture. Top of the lap, vulgar no? Like those Bollywood dances I watch on my... nooooooooooooo.
I can’t replace science with astrology but I can get around that by claiming that all science is Vedic science.
Or maybe I can get Dinanath Batra to write one more book about all this. O damn.
All right. All right. I’m starting again. In 2015, I’m not banning anything. (Except flowers and maybe sex.) But I do reserve the right to protest about everything. My neighbour’s nose (against Indian culture), my friend’s house (not invented in ancient India), my sister’s dog (foreign breed), anyone who doesn’t like the prime minister of India’s hats...
In fact, I protest against everything. Happy 2015. Oops. Did I just say that?
Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist. You can follow her on twitter @ranjona