A revolutionary roadmap for Mumbai

To better equip myself for religious debate, I have been reading several sacred texts, many of which ruminate on the nature of the universe. One tome suggests that the cosmos and all we know originated from the navel of Vishnu. I know this may result in some sort of ban but I’m sorry, I have to say this; that is rubbish. Everybody knows that the cosmos really came from a Mumbai pothole, which is the only object in the known universe that has the depth and mysticism to sustain the birth and existence of all matter.

The potholes of Mumbai are magnificent beasts. Every car-owning citizen of Mumbai lives with deep respect and fear of these gods. Out of a sense of duty, each of us sacrifices one car-suspension to these deities every year. Bike-owners, whose karma is impure, often sacrifice their lives to these creatures. But it is time to free ourselves from the tyranny of The Celestial Pothole, and I think I know how.

‘Fill in the potholes’ is a Mumbai citizens’ photo campaign attempting to fill the city’s potholes with stories, and draw attention to the city’s bad roads with a touch of humour. File pic
‘Fill in the potholes’ is a Mumbai citizens’ photo campaign attempting to fill the city’s potholes with stories, and draw attention to the city’s bad roads with a touch of humour. File pic

I believe that the problem lies with the quality of sacrifice we’ve offered Mumbai’s potholes so far. They need to be filled, but we’ve been trying to fill them with tears, suspension parts and the feeble efforts of corrupt contractors. But after much digging, I have found several better quality materials that we can use to fill these potholes, at very low cost. So here is a list of things that I suggest we use to fill Mumbai’s potholes, in a scheme that I like to call Jan Dhan Pothole Wapsi Yojna:

>> The number one thing we should use to fill and pad Mumbai’s potholes is rickshaw drivers who crawl down a single lane road looking for business, holding up buses, and eventually, the entire neighbourhood.

>> Aunties who insist that their drivers stop right outside their favourite shop for ease of egress, even if said shop is at an important intersection. When honked at, if they turn around and look at you indignantly, it is karmically okay to go to their house, seize their dog, and put it in the pothole with them.

>> Uncles who ask drivers to stop right outside a place of worship so they can go pray. What is the point of asking for blessings when 40 cars behind you are already heaping worse karma upon you than you could ever hope to atone for? Use these uncles liberally to pad potholes. Feel no remorse. In their next life, they will be born as dung beetles who get squished under the tires of cars stopping outside temples.

>> People who loved Happy New Year

>> People who wrote Happy New Year

>> People who were in Happy New Year

>> The amoeba whose entire thought process on the road is “Is this a U-Turn? No? It isn’t? Damn, in that case, I should probably U-Turn here. In fact, I’ll just do donuts.”

>> Anybody with a red beacon. Apply liberally to potholes for good marriage prospects in all future lives.

>> People who double-park

>> Pedestrians who walk out into traffic with a hand extended, like they’re Neo from The Matrix. Not only will you be filling a pothole, you will also be ridding them of the illusion that they are Neo from The Matrix.

>> People who want women to have babies for religious reasons.

>> People who don’t like Emma Stone

>> Undhyo

If we as citizens of Mumbai follow this correctly, I strongly believe we can be on our way to a pothole-free city. And, more importantly, an a**hole-free one.

Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi

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