And guess what — Dark Shadows begins as a deliciously pulpy throwback to horror comedy, and ends as a monster movie of stunning disappointment. All one is left to do is file Dark Shadows and Alice in Wonderland in the mediocre Tim Burton adaptation drawer. Based on the 60’s soap opera about a family of supernatural weirdos, Dark Shadows feels like just the thing that Burton should make.
The film tries to emulate the unintentional hilarity and whacky nature of the series, but the problem is that it isn’t silly and goofy enough. Burton’s film loses its way an hour in, once the ancient-vampire-in-the-modern-world plot turns into sappy rom-com.
The story and characters are passably serviceable, but have too little ingenuity to have any impact. Here we have a huge mansion occupied by the famous Collins family circa 1972 — the matron Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), her teen daughter (Chloe Moretz), her smarmy brother (Jonny Lee Miller), his son (Gulliver McGrath), a family doctor (Helena Bonham Carter) and a governess (Bella Heathcote). Along comes Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), a vampire who had been cursed by a spurned witch (Eva Green) and imprisoned in a grave for over two hundred years.
Barnabas decides to restore the family’s tarnished name, but things don’t exactly go according to plan when the witch shows up as well. Burton walks the fine line between homage and crazy fanboyism, but fails to keep things interesting. Add to that the tone that keeps shifting from campy to saccharine to pulpy, leading up to a clumsy CGI-filled climax with the tease of a sequel.
There are a couple of laugh-out-loud moments, one of which involves a hilarious sex scene between Barnabas and the witch. The production design and Bruno Debonell’s cinematography are incredible as expected — nearly every frame is a work of art.
Depp delivers a strangely insipid performance as the tragic vampire who apologises before sucking humans dry; Eva Green seems lobotomised and not evil or feisty enough — Charlize Theron would’ve truly killed in this role; Michelle Pfeiffer proves once and for all that she has lost all traces of likability and Helena Bonham Carter manages a few mild chuckles before her dispatch.
Dark Shadows is proof enough that there’s never an entertainment guarantee whenever Depp and Burton collaborate. The film would most certainly crop up in the year-end lists of most disappointing movies.