Apple CEO Tim Cook called me last evening.
“Dude, your custom-made iPhone 15 is ready. Take it for a test drive. Let us know if you’re satisfied so we can unveil it in India.”
Illustration / Amit Bandre
Okay, all you techies, trollers and tweeters out there, it is time to go green with envy. I’ve jumped several handsets ahead to an iPhone 15.
So, you’re obviously asking, what does this phone do? Okay, so it can do all the obvious stuff — you can make phone calls, you can check Facebook every two minutes and send out tweets every three minutes. You can also take all the selfies you want — the camera has some 1 million megapixels (thus allowing us to take photos of future space missions to Uranus and Jupiter).
Citizens of ‘Swachh Bharat’, the iPhone 15 has been custom-made by Apple technicians to help India say proudly ‘acche din aa gaye’.
For starters, it has an app called ‘eBufoon’ — this gives a leader like PM Narendra Modi a heads up, as to which minister of his will make an out of turn, obnoxious or odious remark in the Parliament. So when one of his MPs gives a soundbite like, “Having sex frequently can reduce your lifespan” or “By 2021, I will make India a 100 per cent Hindu state”, or “Women should never go out at night dressed in jeans or be given cell phones”, the loudmouth’s name will beep in Narendraji’s phone directory. He can then take whatever action he needs to.
Another special app called ‘Whackjob’ is a boon for women who use late night public or private transport. If a lady takes a rickshaw, a rented car or a ride with an ostensibly ‘courteous, chivalrous man’, ‘Whackjob’ picks up a signal — if the guy makes the slightest move to molest, a beeper goes off, alerting the entire neighbourhood. (The iPhone 6 surprised everyone with its bendability). The iPhone 15 isn’t merely bendable — it rolls up to become an iron rod. A deadly weapon of private part destruction.
This phone truly has a host of other wonderful software easy to download from the Apple Store — ‘IndiaWantsToKnow’ gives indicators to interviewees like Rahul Gandhi on what fate might befall them in Question- Answer sessions.
‘OyeI’mHere’ lets Virat Kohli know which part of a cricket ground Anushka Sharma is seated in.
‘iSneaky’ lets RAW and the Indian army know when Pakistan makes a move on our border. And ‘iLie’ gives us a realistic idea of whether terrorists like Lakhvi are indeed in jail, or were quietly let out on bail. ‘PKOK’ is a web forecast app that gives Bollywood producers and theatre owners fair warning about ‘Hurting Hindu sentiment’ content in their films. ‘iSrini’ is a bookie-specific app. ‘MSD’ is a free phone call dialled from Dhoni’s phone that lets the BCCI know what his future plans are. And so on and so forth.
Tim Cook tells me he is working on iPhone 16. I pray that this phone has an airplane tracking app.
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com
The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.
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