'You can't save both your affair and marriage'

Introducing Dr Love, who solves your relationship riddles in a confusing digital age

I have fallen head over heels in love with a guy I met over 3 months ago. Our eyes met at a venue, he came over to talk and, since then, our feelings have gotten stronger. We are both married though. I have been married for 12 years with 2 kids and he has been married for 5 years, with kids from a previous marriage. We started off flirting and messaging, but now drive together for meetings, meet for coffee and can't stay apart from each other. Our hearts literally stop when we are away. It's like we are soul mates. He believes what he is doing is wrong, and can't forgive himself for feeling this way. We both love our partners and don't want to hurt them, but we can't live without each other either. He tells me that he loves me a lot, but doesn't want to hurt his wife. If our partners were to find out, we would both lose everything. He doesn't want that to happen and I don't know what to do?
— SL

It seems as if you both want to have your cake and eat it too. I'm afraid there's nothing that can be done about this, simply because neither of you want to change your current situation before considering a new relationship. Without that, you are both cheating on the people you are married to. There really is no other way to say it. This is hardly a column that recommends adultery, so I suggest you both change the way your relationship evolves. If you can't stand the idea of being out of each other's lives, why can't you settle for being friends? If that isn't enough to make either of you happy, you will simply have to speak to your partners and come up with a solution. Talk about this, try and figure out what it will mean to both your families before making any decisions. Needless to say, it will be anything but a painless process.

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