Yann Martel wrote in 'Life of Pi', when you’ve suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling. Such was my predicament ever since the first Twilight movie, and each successive sequel has been significantly more painful to endure. Expecting the big finale to be any improvement is a stretch, and it delivers exactly what you expect — a big rollicking glob of terribleness.
A review of a Twilight movie is as necessary as a vote in North Korea. Twi-hards are going to line up to watch the films, no matter what the scenario. At this point it is futile to comment on the lack of a good story, the necessity of decent actors, the wish for good special effects and the prerequisite of on screen chemistry. The film doesn’t remotely have any of those qualities, and it doesn’t even attempt to interest those who don’t slobber at the sight of male vampires with shaved chests. Instead it has the same exceedingly serious and in turn unintentionally hilarious tone that firmly attaches your palm to your face.
To get into the story details would probably lower the reader’s IQ, all you need to know is that Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) have a baby girl named Renesmee and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is attracted to her. If you’re wondering if the Twilight Saga openly champions child porn, then you’re right — it does, and why such a book is an international bestseller and a three billion dollar movie franchise still remains a mystery. Anyway, the finale is a soap opera full of waxy bores, where the Maybelline eyeliner wearing Volturi, the Revlon lipstick wearing werewolves and the Dabur Amla Kesh Tel vampires are at war with each other, all for the future of the little girl.
Bella is now a full-fledged vampire and can run like Forest Gump. She also has superhuman strength, but not nearly enough to muscle out a facial expression. Edward will stop at nothing to save his loved ones. Both Stewart and Pattinson have tried their hands at films outside the Twilight zone (Snow White, Cosmopolis) but have failed spectacularly, and it remains to be seen if they pick good projects or end up as Hajmola commercial models.
With Breaking Dawn 2, fans of Twilight will scream in delight and cry torrid tears for witnessing the epic finale and waving goodbye to their favourite characters. All isn’t lost for the Twi-hards, as they can now look forward to the other Stephanie Meyer series The Host, which begins next year.
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