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Enter Meira Kumar

>> OK, so now that everybody has become a political expert and knows exactly what’s going to be the outcome of the 2014 General Elections, we might as well add our two bits worth of political gyaan.


Meira Kumar

According to our sources in the Congress, the person most likely to become the PM in case of a UPA win is -- ot Rahul G -- but five times Lok Sabha MP and the first woman speaker of the lower house: Meira Kumar. This is because not only is she a woman (and a pretty accomplished one at that, having served in the IFS as a career diplomat for many years) but also a Dalit (she is the daughter of Congress stalwart Babu Jagjivan Ram).


Rahul Gandhi

By fielding her, the Congress will try and replicate the Sonia-Manmohan precedent and thus, spare a raw RG responsibility and accountability. And of course, the two vote banks Kumar represents will come in handy too. For long, the theory of Rahul not assuming PM post in case of a UPA win has been doing the rounds, but most people thought that the Congress would opt for one of the Harvard Oxford worthies amongst themselves, like PC, Sibal or Khurshid. But apparently, in Kumar, Sonia sees a winner. The fact that she’s an accomplished rifle shooter must have clinched the deal in these troubled times, we think!

It’s all over now
>> Could there be anything more indicative of the fact that the age of Kalyug is upon us, than hearing Mallika Sherawat croon ‘heppy burrday’ to Narendra Modi on his 63rd birthday yesterday?


Narendra Modi

Clearly Ms Sherawat, one of the shrewdest self-publicists in the business was attempting to simulate the ‘Happy Birthday, Mr President’ ditty that Marilyn Monroe had sung to John F Kennedy, at the Madison Garden in 1962.


Mallika Sherawat

“I can now retire from politics after having had Happy Birthday sung to me in such a sweet, wholesome way,” JFK is reported to have said when he thanked her. Perhaps, Sherawat is a UPA plant? The nation wants to know.


Marilyn Monroe

Waiting in the wings
>> Similarly, Arun Jaitley watchers say that his championing of Modi for the pole position is in the event that if the BJP doesn’t get the numbers to form the next government and finds that outside support is not forthcoming for Modi as PM, the astute lawyer has positioned himself to step in at the last minute, as he will be acceptable to all constituencies and has a clean reputation.


Arun Jaitley

So many theories, so many experts. We only tell you what we hear.

Alibaug Club
>> Word comes in that Kabir Bedi’s niece, Seher U Bedi, (his brother Ranga’s daughter) is developing a high-end residential and spa complex in Alibaug.


Kabir Bedi with niece (right) Seher Bedi

Located at Thal, very close to Shah Rukh Khan’s property, the plans are to tie up with an Italian spa chain from Venice. “There will be a dozen or so water villas to sell and also membership to the club on offer,” says our source. Seher, whose day job is as MTV’s Head of Creative & Content, is said to be in the process of opening the doors to guests and buyers in three months. Alibaug desperately needs places to eat, unwind, hang and get pampered in, so it seems a move in the right direction.

Salaam Mumbai: Where did Arnab go?
Now that Arnab Goswami has returned to his desk at the TV studio and there is hope for the planet once more, the nation wants to know where he went for the past few days.

Here are some theories doing the rounds:
1 He was employed by Gordon Ramsay to teach him how to scream at aspiring chefs and intimidate them further. ‘Answer me now! Why did you double-braise the Basa? Is there are a reason which you are not sharing with us? Are you hiding something?’ he is said to have bequeathed him.

2 He shot a series of ads for hair oil. His famous brilliant pomade was styled in a dozen different ways by Sapna Bhavnani of Mad-o-Wot, for a series of advertising shorts. They shall be released just before the 2014 elections with the tagline: ‘Oil you ever wanted to know about the elections. Courtesy Arnab Goswami’.

3 He was persuaded by Ravina Raj Kohli to revamp the news and entertainment channels for Rajiv Shukla and Anuradha Prasad’s BAG films. All was proceeding fine, until he was asked to wear a lemon yellow suit designed by Rocky S and grow a designer stubble for his news hour show. “Look here,” he said to Ms Kohli. “I do not know what the reason for this is. But rest assured that I shall expose this racket.” That ended the engagement.

4 He was signed on by Superman director Zack Snyder to shoot the Clark Kent scenes for the next Superman movie. For this he had to rush into phone booths across New York city, when there was a crisis, pretending to change before the actor-playing Superman took over.

5 The final theory is that Mr Goswami checked in to the Vipasana course in Igatpuri for a few days of silence.
If you believe this you will believe anything!  

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