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Escape velocity

Exposed: The escape velocity of Dalits; science or sham?

Rohan JoshiProtests broke out in India today as the Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics to Peter Higgs for his work in proving the existence of the Higgs Boson.

Rioters went on a rampage against a decision they deemed biased and unfair, stating that it effectively robs this year’s real pioneer in the field of physics; Rahul Gandhi. Mr Gandhi recently revealed a groundbreaking study in the escape velocities of Indian communities from Jupiter.

Protesters say that they have deep respect for Mr Higgs’ work, which could open new doors into the study of how our universe began, and prove the existence of other things long thought to be purely theoretical constructs like tachyons, quarks and LK Advani’s relevance to the 21st century.

Rahul Gandhi
Rahul Gandhi postulated that for good things to happen to the Dalit community, they need to attain the escape velocity of Jupiter

However, they maintain that Mr Gandhi’s research opens up new areas of physics such as the capture of highly unstable particles like Voteium and Coalitionium in a dynamic political field. It may also shed new light on an area of science that has long puzzled physicists; the study of political metaphors that nobody understands.

A UPA scientist, speaking anonymously, said, “When the apple fell on Newton’s head, he looked at it and discovered the existence of gravity. When the apple fell on Rahul baba’s head, he said, “I don’t care if my party thinks this is an apple, I think it is a mongoose, and so we must all agree that it is a mongoose.” Mr Gandhi, who is a product of the Congress’ Rajiv Gandhi Putra Vikas Yojana, postulated that for good things to happen to the Dalit community, they need to attain the escape velocity of Jupiter.

Surely there are more polite ways to refer to Mayawati, but never mind. Explaining his Jupiter theory, Mr Gandhi offered the example of a man he once met on a train. His name was Sabu, a Dalit who managed to attain this escape velocity and was on his way to Mumbai to find work as a sidekick for intelligent old men. “It is people like Sabu who exemplify the true character of India,” said Mr Gandhi. When this reporter gently suggested that he may have mixed his speech up with a copy of Chacha Chaudhary and Raaka’s Revenge, he got visibly agitated and threw a mongoose at us.

There are also those who doubt the veracity of Mr Gandhi’s scientific claims. According to one astrophysicist, the escape velocity of Jupiter (if you factored in the gravitational field of the sun) would be roughly 62 km/s, or 2,24,315 km/h, a speed that has only been achieved once in human history, by Rocky from Gurgaon last Saturday night, in a ship fueled by Old Monk, LED lights and Mika songs. More importantly though, the spaceship required to carry India’s 140 million Dalits would weigh millions of tons, which presents a spectacular scientific opportunity to the UPA to test their Spaceship Procurement Scam theory.

Mr Gandhi’s theory also fails to factor in the weight of the 140 million Dalits themselves. The average weight of a person in India is 65 kilos, which means the average weight of the Dalit is probably 12 kilos, once you introduce a coefficient of malnutrition and lack of health care. This actually makes the mass of the Dalits insignificant in comparison to the mass of Jupiter, though we must leave that out of the equation because I don’t want somebody to miss the point and think I called Dalits insignificant.

Rival scientific groups such as the BJP have also criticised Mr Gandhi’s theory, and stated that the escape velocity of Jupiter is in fact Ram km/h, and that Dalits do not need to escape the planet because Narendra Modi has already built excellent roads on it. We also attempted to contact members of the Dalit community for comment, but were unsuccessful. “How can you be worried about trivial nonsense like community upliftment and the overturning of thousands of years of religiously sanctioned oppression when Sachin Tendulkar has just announced his retirement? We will be happy to move to Jupiter. If Sachin is not playing cricket anymore, then what is the point of Earth anyway?”

Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi

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