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Every Bollywood news article ever

Rohan JoshiSCOOP! Hello my kittens! Here’s a piping hot piece of piping hot goss to go with your piping hot piece of piping hot tea this piping hot morning. A little birdie just gave a bit of gossip to our curious piping hot cat, who then pooped this piping hot nugget out at our piping ADJECTIVEGENERATORERROR piping doorstep; this idiot ouchenozzle person-who-once-had-real-dreams-and-aspirations-and-hope-fortheir-life-but-oh-my-god-the-meth-it-makes-the-pain-go-away-mmmm-the-bliss diarist has learnt that all is not well in B-town.

These two doyens of yesteryear Bollywood have always had a fierce rivalry, and it was well-known by all (two people) when they were at the peak of their careers. However, as they both got married and shied away from the limelight, relations between them turned cordial, at least in the public gaze. They were even spotted hobnobbing at a famous director’s party by our correspondent who creepily observes the body language of other people at parties because he has no friends to talk to.

The husband of one of the actresses is a prominent member of Bollywood himself, and is well known for having a roving eye (available on eBay for only $30: Unlimited fun for the entire family!). The other actress chose to marry outside of Bollywood, because her anorexia once made her so delirious that she had a moment of clarity and realised that marrying a man from Bollywood is roughly as smart as signing a film with Ram Gopal Varma. In other news, the actress has signed a film with Ram Gopal Varma.

This information has no bearing on our story, but we can’t use names in case we get sued, so we’ll just keep throwing broad hints your way hoping you’ll figure it out. The actresses in question are both female, women who were once babies but are now adults. With two eyes each. Also, Ben Affleck is playing Batman. But neither of these women is Ben Affleck. But maybe they are. Please don’t sue us, piping hot Ben Affleck? At a recent success-party/bash/reality-show/event, the two actresses shared cold vibes, which is much better than sharing needles, because cold vibes can’t give you AIDS. The cold war between the two had producers of the event in a tizzy, as they had to manage the egos of both ladies. 

Speaking anonymously, a member of one actress’ camp said, “It is true, the ladies are not on talking terms, mostly because they’re both too vapid to say anything unless someone else writes them dialogues.” The news was confirmed by a member of the other diva’s camp, who added, “Who the f*** still lives in camps anymore? It’s 2013. Please help us, we’ve been pooping in a hole in the ground for the last 15 years. So much poop has gathered in our camp that the lower layers have fused to form the script to the Dhoom trilogy.”

A further complicating matter is the alleged closeness of one of the ladies to one of the Khans. Her rival has immediately formed an alliance with the other Khan, whose recent film made Rs 900 crore, aka $4. However, both Khans have rubbished these rumours, and instead drawn our attention to that time on their set when they were once extremely generous to a spot boy, because they paid for his medical bills when a light stand fell on him, even though the only reason it fell on him is because producers couldn’t afford safety gear after paying crores in star salaries. Blah blah blah, heart of gold, blah blah, good Samaritan, blah blah, King of Bollywood, blah blah blah other made up stories PR paid for, blah blah he is the living embodiment of Mother Mary herself.

However, both actresses have admitted that the link-up between them and Ben Affleck is a malicious hoax spread by a third actress who is jealous of their success, and that they are just good friends. Ben Affleck remained unavailable for comment, because do you really think we could get in touch with Ben Affleck? Ah, well my kittens, will this cold war get hot? To find out, watch this space. And please pass the needle.

Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi

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