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Finding Deepika and other fun stories

Rahul Da CunhaIt’s been an action-packed fortnight. The Incheon games are underway, and luncheons at the White House are being prepared, even though Modiji is fasting. Our tireless leader has banged bongo drums in Tokyo, offered Chinese premier Xi Jinping dhoklas and undhyu in Ahmedabad, unwittingly caused a poor newscaster to be sacked for thinking that Xi stood for 11, and inaugurated our pioneering efforts to make contact with the Martians. (All this work on an empty stomach).

Elsewhere in the world, the Scots voted to remain hinged with the UK (enough for Alia Bhatt to tweet, “Overjoyed that Scotland has stayed with Manchester United”). Arnie Schwarzenegger met Jayalalithaa in Chennai to discuss her playing the villain in the Hollywood blockbuster, The Expendables 4. A reliable source indicated that the AIADMK supremo is reluctant to portray a negative character just before the assembly elections.

fun stories
Illustration / Amit Bandre

Talking about assembly elections, our Maharashtra politics resembled a sitcom, as four parties battled over seat sharing. All of them so focused on power that none of them have till now shared their plans for prosperity.

In the meantime, ISIS are trying hard to be the new poster boys of brutality, now that Al Qaeda and the Taliban have become the Justin Biebers of terrorism. The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria have beheaded more people in 14 days than the Tudors did during their entire reign.

Shotgun Pistorius’s not-guilty verdict managed to piss off most people in the universe except the presiding judge.

What a story that was — differently-abled boyfriend, dishy girlfriend, imaginary tresspasser, and bang bang boom. Perfect for us hungry Indians to feed off. And Bollywood to adapt. I’m definitely seeing Mr Sanjay Leela Bhansali combining Guzaarish with Mary Kom to create a ‘Bhaag Oscar Bhaag’ type film. Who will play the Blade Runner? It’s obvious, Hrithik Roshan of course as the paraplegic sprinter/shooter.

As a side-note, why the world media chose to publish a picture of snot dripping off the accused athlete’s nose was icky to say the least. Was a tight close-up of mucus dangling like an icicle on the precipice of his nostril really a Kodak moment?

Thankfully our Indian lensmen are still focused on traditional sleaze. No Nat Geo award winning photos for them.

Their cameras honed in on the lead actress from Finding Fanny. No artistic shots of Deepika Padukone’s cute dimples or pearly whites. No graphic representation of her neck. Just of her neck line.

There it was — she went ballistic. We went ballistic, the media went ballistic.

And even when Kashmir grieved, Bollywood ruled. Why would the press focus on natural calamities when there are natural assets to cover?

Hours of social media time were spent with tweeters taking the moral high ground and sections of the traditional media, justifying their low behaviour.

The moral police were replaced by a new breed called the moron police. In other news, Kim Kardashian was attacked during Paris Fashion Week.

Have a great week, dear reader.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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