Introducing Dr Love, who solves your relationship riddles in a confusing digital age
Q: How do I tell my girlfriend I had a one-night stand?
A: This may come as a surprise to you, but she is probably no longer your girlfriend. If you thought she was, you wouldn't have had a one-night stand, would you? Tell her at once, and be direct, because not doing so is effectively perpetuating an act of betrayal. And even if she forgives you, out of a misplaced sense of trust gleaned from soap operas by Balaji Telefilms, this doesn't change the fact that you betrayed her. You should stay single and play with yourself.
Q: My boyfriend loves role-playing and sometimes insists on me calling him Ranbir Kapoor in bed. What do I do?
A: Try dating the real Ranbir Kapoor or look for a normal boyfriend who is comfortable with his own name.
Q: My wife doesn't watch movies with me anymore. What do I do?
A: Are the movies life-changing? Will they revitalise your marriage and make the two of you spectacular new human beings? Chances are they won't. Your wife not watching movies with you may have less to do with wanting to spend quality time you and more to do with the fact that she is an independent woman who has interests of her own. Why not ask her what she likes doing for a change, instead of assuming every woman likes the idea of watching Planet Of The Apes with her husband?
Q: A friend of mine is really interested in me, but I'm actually attracted to his best friend. What do I do?
A: The easiest way to get the message across, according to some of the brightest people who have lived before us, is to open your mouth and say what you feel. Naturally, in these difficult times, opening one's mouth and saying what one feels is not encouraged by the government of India, but one can use other means such as Facebook private messaging or old-fashioned email, both of which are safe for now, until the government chooses to monitor them too. Speak up now, or live with the wrong guy for the next 40 years.
The inbox is now open to take your most carnal and amorous queries. Send your questions on email to firstname.lastname@example.org