How do you solve a problem like Anushka?

Dear Anushka,
Whaatup? Wassup? Howdy? Satsri akal? I have so much to tell you. These are random thoughts, so don’t look for a link.

1. Firstly, when cricket weds cinema, the world gets energised -- Sharmila Tagore and Tiger Pataudi, Shane Warne and Liz Hurley, Viv Richards and Neena Gupta. And now you, as the future Mrs Virat Kohli, the better half of the Indian cricket team test captain. Girl-next-door meets bad boy. Awesome.

Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma cartoon
Illustration / Amit Bandre

2. So, apparently, you lost us the World Cup by just sitting down at a cricket stadium. That’s what the trolls and tweeters feel. What an incredible feat! You just gave your beau a loving look, he got distracted, and we lost a match. I mean, forget that we’ve been training for years for the World Cup. Even hired Ravi Shastri to make a difference. And yet, what a woman you are. Just your presence and, boom shakalaka, you had Virat ‘hooked’. The Aussies should thank you.

3. So let’s talk films -- while you were Down Under, all your contemporaries are gearing up for new issue-based movies (It amazes me why ‘heroine-dominated films’ have to be issue-based whereas hero-based usually means one of our ageing male stars serenading a much younger heroine).

4. So what movies are your fellow heroines doing? Rumour has it that Alia Bhatt is training to play Saina Nehwal in a biopic titled ‘Shuttlecock’. Kareena Kapoor is in talks to be in an Indo-British production tentatively titled, ‘The Robert Vadra Nobody Knows’. And Deepika Padukone is playing herself in a docu-drama titled, ‘Yeh Hi Hai My Choice, Baby…Aha’.

5. Also, some of your competition are ready to make exciting sequels to their earlier hits. Kangna’s follow up to Queen is called ‘King’. Priyanka, who boxed her way to box office glory in Mary Kom, is shooting ‘Mary Kom Hu Tu Tu’, where she forms a women’s kabaddi outfit to take on a rogue Chinese team who are trying to enter India’s eastern border. (In contrast, Salman Khan is making a sequel to Kick, titled ‘More Kick’. Bhai plays a double role, magically drives an SUV in Bandra and shoots blackbucks in Jodhpur, simultaneously)

6. But the film that interests me most is your sequel of NH10, called ‘NH11’, which I’m scripting. Your character and her cricketer boyfriend who hail from Delhi, are holidaying in Sydney. (I believe you are clear you want your real-life boyfriend to play the hero since the role only requires him to scowl and show his middle finger to the villains.)

So, you, armed with an iron rod and he with a cricket bat, decide to wreak vengeance on your critics. You two come to Mumbai and head to the Lower Parel office of Times Now. How the movie pans out is a secret.

7. One last thing. In India, dear Anushka, we have a simple solution for all our problems, both minor and major -- always blame the women. Draupadi was responsible for Kurukshetra. You lost us the World Cup, and Sonia Gandhi’s fair skin has destroyed the Congress.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62
The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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