Humour: A tongue-in-cheek look at the 'mango season'

Now that the king of fruits is here, what better reason or season to get some king-sized laughs... or maybe a chuckle or two? We say, just for this Sunday, put that oh-so-serious demeanour aside, and get a little flip, with tongue firmly in cheek. What’s the aam in that!

Talking about aams in our introduction, when the heat is on and the ground is baking and the mercury is merciless, it is time to realise the impotence... oops ‘aam’ potence of being earnest.

Mango
Illustration/Amit Bandre

So, maybe it is the touch of the sun, but just wondering...

>> Whether one mango sings to another, in a burst of old-style romanticism, “mere aam-ne waali khidki mein ek chand ka tukda rehta hai”.

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 Whether one mango crate engaged in a bank holdup growls sinisterly, ‘Watch out, no funny business, I am aam-ed and dangerous’.

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 Why a mango cannot try for a job in the Indian aam-y.

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 Whether a crate of mangoes attending a Page 3 party, is just so much aam candy dahling.

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 Whether a politically inclined mango can only join the Aam Aadmi Party (AAP).

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 Whether mangoes will go to the Olympics in Rio (Brazil) as part of an aam wrestling team.

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 Whether the mother mango tells the baby, ‘well it is time to cut the aam-bilical chord’.

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 Why mangoes are never worried about accidents as an aam-bulance is always at hand.

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 Why the ongoing Indian Premier League (IPL) does not have a Third Aam-pire.

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 Whether the richest owner in the IPL is Aam-bani.

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 Whether playwright George Bernard Shaw would have invited a gender discrimination suit against him by a mango for writing ‘Aams and the Man’ and leaving out the women.

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 Whether an empty mango crate, would say: move over Bruce Lee, I too am proficient in un-aam-ed combat?

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 Whether an Arab tycoon of a dairy industry favourite beverage is a mango milk-sheikh.

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 Whether Narendra Modi and B Obama talked about mangoes from India going to the US and forming the Aam-pire State Building, in a new Indo-US collaboration.

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 Whether India will ever send a crate of mangoes as the country’s Aam-bassador to the United Nations.

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 Whether a mango starring in a 1980s Hindi movie would be hurt in a car crash, suffer from aam-nesia, wake up in a strange place, lose his brother and finally be re-united with his sibling in the last reel of the movie and the audience would stop sniffing into their handkerchiefs.

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 And when talking about accidents, whether a mango involved in a train accident, would get a prosthetic aam?

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 Whether a mango welcomes another with open aams.

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 Whether mangoes are part of the multiplex movie experience, with those plush seats and great aamrests.

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 Why a gay mango does not come out of the closet, enter the Mumbai gay Pride and sing the anthem: Life is a sham, till I can say, I aam, what I aam?

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 Whether a mango nursing a broken heart needs some b-aam to his wounds.

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 Why Mumbai’s public transport system continues to hike its fares, isn’t it meant for the aam junta?

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 Why a mango cannot try out for the Indian cricket team, as a left aam spinner.

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 Whether mangoes that do not play cricket but report on the game, analysing our performance in the recent World Cup, are simply aam-chair critics.

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 Why Mumbai beggars are constantly asking for aams, even when it is not mango season.

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 Whether one mango asks another rakishly in the spirit of your place or mine, well your aam or mine?

>> Whether a couple of mangoes have now decided to keep up with the trends and be sold online. You can order them on Aamazon.com

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 Whether Mumbai’s moral police would crack down on mango movies with names like: ‘A Date with the Crate’ and ‘For your aams only’ or tell the Censor Board to go ahead and give them a U/A certificate.

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 Whether you have heard of the well-known mango, who is a film director, telling newbies that the casting crate is part of getting a break.

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 Whether you have heard of the mango exporter who has been accused of being an international aams dealer.

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 The same aams dealer, who has been falsely accused, is now looking for a lawyer that will help him out of this mess. His friends have suggested someone called Aam Jethmalani. Have you heard of someone like that?

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 Whether the same aams dealer or exporter to give him his correct label, has been warned though that eminent lawyers like the one above, charge an aam and a leg for just one court appearance.

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 Whether this columnist would need a lawyer after being sued for making you go through this. But you had an option, didn’t you? So, why are you still reading this tripe, anyway?

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