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'I am afraid of having penetrative sex with my husband'

Q. It’s been 2 years of our marriage but till date we have not been able to consummate the marriage! Whenever my husband tries to penetrate, I get scared and I stop him. I just close my legs and make it narrow out of some fear! I don’t know what to do. Please help.
A. These are common problems especially in our country. The pattern of the problem is you have desire, you do get wet, you are able to reach climax as well on your own. Only thing is that when your husband makes an attempt to penetrate, something happens to you which you don’t understand — you get fear and you subconsciously bring both the legs together. In such situations, penetration by your husband becomes impossible. This condition is known as Vaginismus. Most women in their past have heard from their friends that at the first attempt, there will be severe pain and bleeding. This fear leads to anxiety and at the time of penetration, there are involuntary spasms in the outer one third of vagina and so the entry of penis becomes impossible. You need to bear 2 things in mind — that vagina is an elastic organ and can expand and accommodate any size of penis big or small. Second, when a doctor examines with his finger, vagina expands that much and at the time of delivery, it expands according to the size of the baby! This will resolve a lot of your anxiety. The treatment includes supportive psychotherapy and behaviour modification which involves gradual use of user friendly vaginal dilator. Start with a finger, and go upto the size of dilator which is similar to the size of your husbands erect penis. Once your are comfortable with this, you yourself will realize that when you are able to insert the dilator, why not the same size penis! It is advisable to initiate intercourse initially in the female superior position where the insertion is done by woman only. After succeeding in this position, you can switch over to the missionary position.

Note: Intercourse is forbidden in initial stages (while using dilators) to avoid per ordnance anxiety.

You can ask your most intimate questions to Dr Prakash Kothari. Send an email to sexologist@mid-day.com. India’s top sexologist will answer them right here.

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