Ministry of tourism: official press statement for immediate release
The Ministry of Tourism is overjoyed to announce that 2012 was a fantastic year for tourism in India. Ministry statistics reveal that 1,036 million Indians travelled domestically, most of them on my flight. More importantly, 6.58 million foreign tourists also visited the country last year (figure does not include Salman Khan’s accents). This is important, because without their money, our currency would currently be at “One Child” rupees to the dollar and “Every child born in your family ever from now until the end of days” rupees to the pound. Foreign tourism into India showed a growth of 4.3 per cent, which means that 4.3 per cent more white, black and Chinese people were stared at in 2012 than 2011; a healthy, if modest, improvement.
This growth in tourism has been boosted by a series of initiatives from the government, all of which make India attractive to foreign and domestic tourists with diverse needs. For people who want to see monuments that are hundreds of years old, we have Rajasthan tourism (and LK Advani). For people seeking cheap healthcare (and kidneys bought off a hand-cart) we have medical tourism. For Italian marines looking to de-stress on shore-leave, we have Kerala tourism (guaranteed safe return to Italy FREE.) And for people looking to win Academy Awards for greatly overrated works, we have Dharavi tourism.
In an effort to capitalise on the attention India is receiving globally, the government has decided to tap another form of tourism that could become one of the country’s fastest-growing sectors. It is with great pleasure that we announce the launch of our Rape Tourism 2013 Yojana. From Draupadi’s debasement in the Mahabharata to Aamir Khan tormenting Madhuri Dixit in Dil, India has a rich and colourful heritage of rape and molestation that continues to be celebrated to this day, and with the Rape Tourism Yojana, you too can join in the festivities.
In order to help rape-tourists choose exactly what they want, we have a variety of packages on offer: (all packages include mental undressing with eyes FREE)
The Ayurveda Cheerharan:
For those “looking to find themselves”. This 3 night 2 day package includes stay at an ashram, and a free consultation with a godman, who will convince you that you need to meet alone for a tantric “ritual”, following which you will regain consciousness at another location, feeling like the great weight that is the sanctity of your body lifted from you. For an added cost, you can enhance your experience by watching said godman’s disciples defend him.
Some experiences last a lifetime. Our most popular package yet.
Our Little Secret:
This wonderful home-stay package comes complete with a week-long stay with an actual Indian family, where you can choose which uncle, grand-parent, cousin or in-law violates you and offers you a present in exchange for your silence. This package is extremely popular among children, and is open to men and women, so book early to avoid disappointment! (Satyamev Jayate episode requests must be placed in advance)
Underage? White? Tired of alive-ness? Look no further! (Can also be clubbed with “Media Haranguing of Distraught Parent” offer, which includes free video copy)
The VIP (Violence in Places-you-least-expect-it) Package:
A vacation unlike any other, allow the VIP package to surprise you in places you least expect it. On a bus in Delhi? At work in Mumbai at 6 pm? At home at age 3 while your mother holds you down so your father can get on with it? Every VIP package is unique and bespoke. The VIP experience doesn’t just end there. You get to be on TV, Parliament shuts down, and marketing people come up with an iconic, impressive brand-name for your horrific violation. Watch from your 5-Star hotel bed in Singapore as we lead marches in your name and chant slogans for change. For an enhanced experience, club this with the “Government Watersports” package featuring water-cannons, lathi-charges and (you guessed it!) MORE PARLIAMENTARY SHUTDOWNS! Book now for an experience you won’t regret. Mostly because you won’t live to.
We have no doubt that the Rape Tourism Yojana will be our most successful initiative yet. Because this is India, where everyone is keen to lend a helping hand, to make sure that you get the best rape experience that being female can buy.
Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi