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Lok Sabha 14: The 'Goon Show'

Rahul Da CunhaAnd so the elections are on us and I feel like a child with the new Harry Potter book. Didi sides with Anna. Didi has a rally. Anna doesn’t show. Didi sulks. Kejri comes to town. Everyone is upset. RaGa calls NaMo ‘Hitler’.

Jaitley calls Indira ‘Hitler’. All the usual shenanigans. But this Lok Sabha excites me, especially. This is an election with a difference: you don’t have to be a politician to contest. Understanding governance is no more a criteria to either campaign for or contest an election. So it’s a complete free-for-all. Like Janpath meets Jumbo Circus. Just my kind of national poll.

Illustration/Amit Bandre
Illustration/Amit Bandre

To my dismay, I realised a week ago, I didn’t have a voter card. I stood in a three-hour line armed with my proof of identity, to be told - “Naahi naahi, Aadhar card naahi chalnaar.” “But surely this is proof enough of my identity. Nandan Nilekani has assured the nation of this. He’s even contesting now from South Bangalore.”

“Only ration card will do. Next….” So I swallowed my pride. I am a proud Indian, nothing can stop me from casting my ballot for Lok Sabha 2014. It’s going to be awesome. Just take my constituency, Mumbai South, what amazing candidate options.

There's an ex-banker and a blues guitarist. Can’t wait to see who the BJP will select, probably a celebrity from Bollywood. This year’s all-India line-up is a smorgasbord of characters. Like from early George Lucas/Steven Spielberg films.

I mean just take the bejewelled, portly Bappi Lahiri. I always thought he had it in him to make a politician. The concept of plagiarising songs, surely the natural progression of that, is to take credit for what is not yours - a trait that cuts across all Indian netas. Just take our PM-in-waiting. He just relentlessly takes credit for stuff he never did. Give him a month, the 1942 Quit India Movement and our 1983 World Cup victory will be added to his achievements.

In their pursuit for Lok Sabha candidates, several parties have found two great sources for new recruits - Soap opera actresses and Indian Premier League rejects. Just take Rakhi Sawant, my idea of the perfect politician. And the latest - Munaf Patel. The Mumbai Indians team doesn’t need him but Team Congress does.

Then, of course, there are the ministers who’ve either been thrown out of their parties or are languishing in jail. They’ve decided that their ‘diocese’ cannot do without their dynastic rule - so wives, sons, and daughters-in-law have been thrown into the fray. Come late May and we’ll have 542 new MPs. Guess what’ll happen to the losers? The new BIGG BOSS season awaits them.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com. The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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