Bollywood songs are used as part of biology lessons
For a long time, Bollywood has been on a quest to learn more about the human anatomy (Choli ke peeche kya hai, for instance). Our music has always been liberal about describing body parts (eyes like a doe, the rich red hue of the lips, the pink glow of the cheeks, soft skin et al).
The latest addition is Tooh from the film Gori Tere Pyaar Mein. Tooh is the Punjabi word for the posterior. Since we’ve covered almost every body part, the next logical step is to introduce these songs in the school and college curriculum. Students will enjoy learning the concepts of biology in this innovative way and get more involved in the subject.
Honey Singh to write and sing a ghazal
For a songwriter whose bouquet of metaphors and writing chops seem inspired by a drunken fight between engineering college students (Party all night), he’s done quite well. He challenged the establishment (G***d mein dum hai toh band karwa lo), and the censor board duly backed off and didn’t censor the expletive.
He pretended to be a south Indian (‘Madrasis’, as the north Indians call them) and did a dance that clubbed four states with a combined population of more than 200 million under one umbrella, er, piece of clothing -- the lungi. Having covered almost all topics of interest to the youth (dope shope, angrezi beat, party, daaru, ladki), Yo Yo will mature musically and expand his musical genre to move on to more serious stuff -- 2014 may as well see Honey Singh write a ghazal. His rebellious pen shall now take up the cudgels against issues affecting the slightly older lot -- expect a Yo Yo rant (albeit in a sophisticated, poetic way) in Raag Bhairavi against increasing interest rates on home loans, the never-say-die attitude of his paunch, and his wife hogging the better part of the bed. That should be fun.
Pets of stars do item numbers
From Priyanka to Katrina, Deepika to Sonakshi, everyone’s done an item number. Heck, even Sunny Leone’s been in one. Munni, Sheila, Babli, Chameli, Pinky, Laila...most of the names have been used. It’s now time for the pets of these stars to take over. Come 2014, and we’ll witness a series of tail-wagging, paw-thumping numbers from cats, dogs, squirrels, parrots, and other members of the animal brigade -- Thirakta Tommy, Seductive Sandy, Mastani Mitthu, Kaalu Kalua, Junglee Billi, Ratty Rascal and the likes. These songs, of course, top the charts and go on to be played in festival processions. Maneka Gandhi is really confused -- does she oppose the breach of the decibel barrier that is painful to animals, or does she applaud their inclusion in Bollywood?
Mumbai does away with entertainment tax
The city currently has an obnoxiously high entertainment tax of 25 per cent on gross ticket rates, which means big acts like Metallica, Prodigy, Lady Gaga make their way to Delhi and Bangalore. We claim to be the cultural hub of the country, but ironically, apart from the few indoor gigs, we don’t really have much going as far as music is concerned. The year 2014 will hopefully change that and we will see a lot more artistes come into the city. With rumours doing the rounds that Justin Bieber will retire, he automatically is eligible to perform in India, with our reputation of providing a source of income to artistes who are past their expiry dates everywhere else in the world. We respect elders, you see. This year, we’re confident that the city shall have a concert a week and we will have one more reason to go broke (we already spend a bomb on housing, dine-outs and movie tickets). We have a unique suggestion for the venue; erect a stage at Kherwadi junction, Suman Nagar junction and other popular ‘traffic hubs’. We’re stuck there most of the time. We might as well enjoy some music while we’re there. An automatic drive-in concert. Event organisers, are you listening?
Hollywood music director plagiarises Indian song
It’s time to buck the trend. Gone will be the days when Indian music directors will be accused of ripping off western compositions. In 2014, we shall see the reverse happening. A big-ticket composer from LA will pick up a track from a Hindi film, modify it a little, add some layers of instruments, and turn it into a marvellous soundtrack for a film. The original composer here (also successful, like Pritam) will come to know of the blasphemy. Instead of losing his marbles, he will laugh it off with a sly “Imitation is the best form of flattery” and proceed to do his work.