'My wife is not interested in having sex'

Q. I have been married for 20 years. Nowadays my wife is not interested in having sex. Her age is 40 and she is totally fit. But I don’t know what to do about her reduced sexual desire. I feel like enjoying every night. What do I do?
A. Sexual desire at this age could reduce because of monotony, increased social/financial problems and/or female hormone (estrogen) deficiency. Sensate focus exercises I.e. Love play minus the penetrative sex can do wonders. Have an unscheduled vacation for a couple of days with your wife. Tell her from the very beginning that you are not going to indulge in any penetrative sex but are going to have only love play/foreplay. In this situation, pressure to perform will not be there on either side and the focus will shift to sensuous touch, fantasy, increased communication.

The aim is whatever is sensual could be sexual; and whatever is sexual need not be sensual. In fact you can ask her “What arouses you the most?” Sometimes her answer could be entirely different than what you have been doing. Often we think that breasts and clitoris are the most sensitive areas, which really may not be the case. Please remember the four-letter word is TALK. Around the age of 40, sometimes there could be beginning of female hormone deficiency which may lead to dryness of vagina leading to pain at the time of penetration. As one grows older, lubrication takes longer time to occur. So devote more time in foreplay and let the penetration part be tackled by her only because she knows when she is ready/aroused.

About enjoying every night, please remember that sexual pleasure is not a performance to be gauged but it is a pleasure or more correctly happiness to be shared between two individuals. So you need to match your desire with your partner and in case if your sexual desire or want exceeds that of your partners, then self satisfaction would be the best alternative.

You can ask your most intimate questions to Dr Prakash Kothari. Send an email to India’s top sexologist will answer them right here.

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