Okay, hotels in India. Let’s talk. To be fair, I’ve been fortunate enough to stay in some beautiful places; warm, welcoming, with great food. But I can’t always stay at a friend’s house when I travel, so sometimes I have to put up with your establishments. And at this point, I should mention that I’m speaking directly to you, five-stars.
Your crimes are numerous, of this there is little doubt. You charge for Wi-Fi, keep trying to get at my contact information, and an omelette at your establishment costs as much as an entire chicken farm. However, we’ll let all that slide in the name of luxury (from the latin luxurus, meaning “Arre rich people will pay for anything if you serve it while bowing”).
Why is it that when I enter a bathroom, I find only the cold uninviting stare of toilet paper roll, and not the friendly embrace of the bum-spray? Why would you do this to your homies, oh hotels of India? Why? Representation pic/Thinkstock
I’d rather focus on the stuff that I can’t let slide, the stuff that just won’t do. For starters, do yourselves a favour and download Google Maps. Make sure you’re sitting down when you open the app though, because you may be shocked and horrified to learn that you’re in India; the land of IT, and cows in the street, and snake charmers and yoga, but most importantly, the land of cleaning your bum with water, not paper.
So explain to me why an establishment in which a magic invisible gnome leaves a sweet on my pillow whenever I’m not looking, cannot cater to the most fundamental basics of Indian rectal care? Why is it that when I enter a bathroom (more on those in a minute), I find only the cold uninviting stare of toilet paper roll, and not the friendly embrace of the bum-spray? Why would you do this to your homies, oh hotels of India? Why?
I get it. Water weirds out foreigners, who don’t quite know what to do with it. But you can give them toilet paper and give us water. Unless you’re saying that your hotels cater exclusively to foreigners, and our habits don’t matter, which is understandable given how high the percentage of foreign patrons is at your establishment. But come on. You already overcharge foreigners for other mediocre Indian experiences; terribly cooked kabab platters, dosas that cost an arm, and whoever-was-available-that-evening dance recitals. So why not give them this Indian experience for no extra charge?
In fact, here’s an idea; overcharge them for this too! Promise them “The authentic Indian Ayurvedic Yogic Maanglik Bathroom Experience” for an extra 1,000 rupees, and every morning, have an attendant come in and pray to the bum-spray for five minutes before leaving.
Is that really so much to ask, fancy hotels? Is it? I mean, I’m not even asking about the fact that your bathrooms have doors that just slide shut, with no locks. I’m not complaining about the fact that you seem to now build your bathrooms exclusively from leftover glass panes from the building’s construction. I’m not even whining about the fact that I have had to see parts of my friends’ bodies that no man should have to because, apparently, blinds are better than walls for a bathroom. I’m just a boy, standing in front of a hotel, asking it to spray me. Is there so little good left in the world that I can’t even get that?
Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi