See I’m very clear...there’s going to be no end, no resolution to our battle with our annoying neighbours. Pakistan is like that sneaky, badly brought up schoolboy, doing underhand hanky panky, and then giving that innocent look of, ‘Miss Miss maine kuch nahin kiya, it was him.” In contrast, we are that lenient headmaster who can’t administer that killer ‘thapad’, that lethal caning. We threaten expulsion but finally all we do is a slap on the wrist and hope that’s adequate.
Inevitably, I have answers.
A long letter will go via speed-post, smoke signals and carrier pigeons to the Ministry of Defence explaining my plan in detail.
However, as I’m not a military man, I certainly don’t want a nuke to the finish. I’m suggesting a new alternative strategy to stick it to them — it’s called cross border marketing. Think of it like homoeopathic remedies for a headache, rather than allopathy.
First things first — I’m sending Kapil Sharma to the border with specific targets. He is to supervise illegal constructions all over the Pakistan side of the LoC. Then, he is to build extensions and partition walls all over the terrorist launch pads. While doing this, he is to destroy all the mangroves.
My second manoeuvre involves the infamous ex-cricketer, famous commentator and popular shayar — Navjot Singh Sidhu aka Paaji. The wily Sikh has confused every political party by claiming to be one of them, and then backed out last minute, claiming to have floated his own Awaaz-e-Punjab. Then he’s confused himself, by announcing it is not a political party but a chat forum.
But, I’m thinking, for the Pakistanis, he can truly be a lethal weapon.
So, I’m in talks with Paaji. I have suggested he starts several small mini guerilla outfits, not just one. Each one has a specific function. One such entity takes PM Sharif and his cronies head on – the outfit is called Nawaz-e-Chhup.
To his ex-cricketer rivals, Javed Miandad (who’s challenging Modi) and Shahid Afridi, who are warning the Indian army to beware of their Pathans, Paaji has a Sidhuism ready to counter their loudmouthedness. “See Boss, ex-cricketers from Pakistan are like male mosquitoes, lots of buzzing but no real bite.”
The ‘Sidhu Cauvery Kataak Attack’ involves river water. I’m speaking to both the Chief Ministers of Karnataka and Tamil Nadu – they are to release approximately 5,000 cusecs of water to flood the Pakistan side of the border.
And, finally, my coup de grace involves Mr Amitabh Bachchan. The superstar will station himself on the LoC armed with a large megaphone. A satellite stationed directly above him will beam his words live to the United Nations. Using his big baritone, Big B will announce in every language known to man, “No means no!”
So ‘Nahin samjhe nahin’, will be followed by “Nein mittel nein”, “ Non veux dire”, “Nyet nyet nyet”, “No significa no”, Shudan nono”, “Maana hakuna hakuna”, “La Yaeni la”... etc etc.
Finally, he will turn loosely in the direction of China and bellow,
“You no come. No mean no, unnerstand, no mean no!”
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org