Rahul da Cunha Column: Chennai Super Queen and Rajkot Dhoklas

So Chennai limps back to normalcy. Like in most Indian calamities, it’s the Army and the aam aadmi who’ve done the heavy lifting. In stark contrast, the Tamil Nadu government like in the ’70s action movies, arrive after the hero has defeated the villains. Plus, they kept the Army waiting, failed to deploy their 35,000 strong police force and enthusiastic party workers ensured that Jayalalitha’s face was stickered onto the relief food packets. (I’m guessing that Amma’s AIDMMK minions were concerned that most Tamilians may have forgotten what she looked like, hence the stickers).

Talking about Chennai, I have a ‘chhota grouse’. We grieved and grieved over the Hebdo and Paris attacks, we changed our display pictures on social media in collective support, posted sad statements like, ‘Oh my favourite city…my heart bleeds for you’. We chanted ‘Je suis Paris’ and ‘Je suis Charlie’. All this was touching in the face of a major tragedy. So, naturally one assumed, we’d have a version of ‘I am Chennai’ post this devastating tragedy. After all saar, Madras is a part of India, is it not? But illé. No flood of tears. Chennai was just no match for the City of Lights.

Over to Delhi. Much happens in our capital, every day. Rahul and his mamma are screaming political vendetta. In fact, Madame Sonia has announced that she is “the daughter-in-law of Indira Gandhi and not scared of everyone.” This has given Robert Vadra a new idea, as he acquires more land and walks unfrisked through airport security. He will announce “I am the husband of the grand-daughter of Indira Gandhi and I am not scared of anyone.”

So Arvind Kejri bhai has an ambitous plan to reduce pollution in Dilli with odd and even number plated cars heading out on alternate days. My friends in the capital, Monty, Bunty, and Ponty Singh are not concerned as they have six cars each. Each with interchangeable number plates. I have a plan for Mumbai’s traffic issues, which I plan to tweet to @DevPhadnavis and the BMC. Here’s my suggestion — People will drive based on star signs. So, Mondays only Cancerians, Scorpians and other water signs. Tuesdays is for the Earth Zodiac signs bunch. Capricorns, Taureans and Virgos will take their cars only on Wednesdays. And the other four star signs, in the fire category will drive on Thursdays.

In cricket news, Pune and Gujarat replace Chennai and Rajasthan in IPL 9. The name for the Gujarat team being considered is ‘Rajkot Dhoklas’. As we speak, Hardik Patel is holding a dharna to include at least seven Patels in the team — these are Munaf Patel, Axar Patel, Parthiv Patel, Brijesh Patel, Ameesha Patel, Dev Patel and Sardar Vallabhai Patel.

In international news, the world and the US are bamboozled by the statements of one Donald Trump.

And I’m thinking, you’re all bothered by one man’s comments. Welcome to our Parliament.

Finally, Salman Khan has been acquitted. And next Friday, shooting commences for Bach Gaya Bhaijaan.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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