So here's my thing about 007. I feel that if Daniel Craig would rather slash his wrists than reprise his role as James Bond, we need to look for another dude like him.
See Daniel Craig is that man's man. Laid-back metrosexuality, delivering one liners and bad puns from the side of his mouth. No sipping poncy martinis, but downing malts, single malts. No put-on charm, but pataoing the ladies with sheer masculinity. No comic book caricature, but real fighting and acting chops. I just think he quit playing the British spy because the producer killed Dame Judi Dench.
See, it was bad enough having the Shakesperean Timothy Dalton or puny Pierce Brosnan, who I felt I could defeat in armed combat. But now they're considering breaking stereotypes — the most dashing English double agent, may become African American, or more crazily, if Gillian Anderson has her way, a woman.
"Hello, I'm Bond, Jane Bond." No way, jose.
But maybe I'm too close-minded. So I'm suggesting to the Broccolis, producers of the series, that James Bond be cast as an Indian. There are three candidates I think who can be considered to play the part: First is our RBI Governor — tall, dapper and always black sooted-booted. He has a truly annoying antagonist that he'll dearly love the licence to silence — hint ? — the initials are SS.
He once told me, "I'm so used to handling bonds, government bonds, the role should be ezee peezee." The second option is a certain newly-elected Party President. I mean he has the looks, the foreign connections… With him as Bond, the role of 'M' casts itself — who else…his mother, of course…"M" for Mama. But no, dear reader, I have another great man for the job. What about a James Bond who is portly…ok rotund…okay chalo...he's fat.
Not V-shaped, but pear shaped. No Spectre, no Skyfall, no silencer for him…only Snapchats. He doesn't obviously report to Her Majesty's Secret Service, but has joined a secret organisation called AIB. AIB stands for 'And I'm Bond'. He shakes people up, he stirs them. Like Batman, this desi Bond has many enemies. The Lata Mangeshkar Nightingale Club, the Sachin Tendulkar vs Virat Kohli Debate Boyz, The 'Destroy Toll Booths' of India Union, The Catholic Church, The 'Elections Are Around The Corner Let's Find A Soft Target' Agency, etc etc His biggest archenemy is a certain Anupam Kher, who responded to his activities by tweeting, 'I am 9 times winner of #BestComicActor. Have a great sense of humour. But this is not humour.'
The desi Bond, like all of us, asked the question — "What is #BestComicActor? It's like me saying I'm #BestComedian Lokhwandwalla or #MostObnoxiousStandup-ComedianSinceArnabGoswami." The police wish to find the spy as there are many FIRs lodged against him. When reports last came in, the desi Bond tweeted to his 2.5 million followers, 'Am in L.A. Auditioning for new Bond movie — called 'Face Swap'.'
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at email@example.com