Rahul Da Cunha: Mahi vs Modi

So it was a bright sunny morning when PM Modi Whatsapped MS Dhoni.

“Mahi, this is Modi. I want to play an exhibition match. Your men in blue versus my men and women in brown khaki shorts.”

“Why, PM saab, do you wish for this battle?”

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

“Because there has been too much unrest in the country. Political parties fighting with each other, issues of sedition, people misusing power. What I’m unable to do in Parliament, I wish to do on the pitch. Plus, this is the last chance we may get to wear brown shorts.”

“Modi saab... with due respect... we will humiliate your team...”

Narendrabhai puffed his 56-inch chest and laughed like a villain from a 70s Hindi film.

“My players are all very versatile. Each one is so unique that your men will have no answers to give. First on my team is my ground staff, headed by a God man, a saint, this is a man who understands how to prepare a pitch and the ground. Fresh from his Yamuna river experiences, he will prepare the perfect playing conditions using army personnel. Then, to the batting order. Amitbhai Shah and I will be the openers. We are far better than your Sharma and Shikhar. Moving on to the crucial no 3 position, where your Virat Kohli is so vital. My answer to Kohli is Smriti Irani. Boss, she will knock all your bowlers out of the park, just with her brute strength. And, anybody who tries to sledge her, God help them.

“In the no 4 position, following Ms Irani, is a very special cricketer. In fact, he is not just a player, but a man who is also the team statistician. Any man who can announce his ignorance to the world that Mrs Gandhi declared the Emergency in 1984, the same year that she was assassinated, has a very special skill. He is none other than... you know who...”

“Mr Kher,” Dhoni answered

“Next in, is what you call yourself, MS? Ah yes...the floater...a batsman who can play in any position. Who else but Subramaniam Swamy to fulfil this position? He is an ideal person to fit this bill. He pontificates, needles, throws googlies, refrains from comment when he chooses to. What chance does your R Ashwin have to outfox such a person?

“I have then asked Kanhaiya Kumar to join my team for this one match. He is young and a Leftie. Also, Rahul Gandhi has agreed to be in my 11. He is, after all, the oldest youth icon at 46 years old.

“Coming in next is our star player — a man who has no equal in shooting his mouth off — Mr Shotgun Sinha. One ‘Khamosh!’ from him and the crowd will go silent.

“I have been in talks with Putin to lend me Maria Sharapova to be our drinks carrier. With her mastery over meldonium, you will never know when she will spike your drinks.”

“And who is your final player, Modisaab?”, Dhoni asked with much fear.

“Ah Mahinder bro... this man is our trump card, our talisman... our major overseas player...yes, he is the King of Good Times!”

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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