Rahul Da Cunha: Mere paas MA hai

What's the most important thing affecting Mother ‘Bharat’ at the moment?

Devastation of our forest lands, devaluation of the rupee, destruction of law and order, deportation of Mallya?

No way! It’s the ‘degrees’ of our Prime Minister.

So, Arvindbhai Kejriwal asked Jashodaben Patel, ‘Madam, does your husband have a Bachelor of Arts?’

She replied defensively, “Yes, he is a bachelor.”

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Confused, the Delhi Chief Minister then proceeded to accuse Narendra Modiji of having ‘fake degrees’. So, what’s the first thing you do when you’re told that your PM’s degrees, are ‘fake’, ‘forged’ and there’s an incorrect name there? Obviously, you want to double check the name on your own certificate.

So, I remove my Bachelor of Arts (English Lit and Psychology) certificate from the loft. My name is misspelt as Rahul DeCunha. Damn! I check Facebook, this DeCunha guy is an awesome wedding photographer living in Ottawa, Canada. (If I’d known earlier, I could have offered my services to the Bipasha Basu-Karan Grover shaadi ‘tamasha’).

See, don’t get me wrong — a BA or MA degree is very important in ‘apna desh’.

All politicians should have either one.

The qualifications will vary state to state and inevitably the ‘A’ in BA will also change.

But all ‘netas’ need a BA or MA.

Let’s start with the Hindi belt, Bihar specifically. Ever since the JD(U) took over the state, the BA in Patna University, stands for Bachelor of Arms/Ammunition. If you don’t have at least 6,000 rounds of ammo and 10 firearms in your car, no degree for you. And, no post in the government.

In Chennai, the nomenclature is slightly different — all young people and politicians now have to study for a Bachelor of Amma. The MA in Tamil Nadu is to be called an AMMA. Also, on Graduation Day, you have to supplicate fully on the ground when you receive the certificate from the great lady. Face down and arms in the air (for those of you who are swimmers, it is the butterfly position).

The highest educational honour is, of course, Bachelor of AIADMK.

The Congress party has its own qualification to join the party. The candidate has to be a Bachelor of Agustawestland. The BJP naturally demand, Bachelor of Amit and AAP asks for Bachelor of Arvind. The Samajwadi Party is initiating the Mulayam of Arts (MA) and Bachelor of Akhilesh (BA). Gujarat’s BA is Bachelor of Anandiben. Kolkota has MA i.e. Mamata Always. Punjab is governed by Bachelor of Akali.

In the meantime, now that Sanjay Dutt is out of jail, Raju Hirani has swung into action — he has two movies planned on the subject of fake degrees. The two potboilers are to be called — Modibhai MBBS and the sequel, Lage Raho Modibhai.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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