So, as December morphs into January, and as debauched, dhaba food dabaoing, drunken sod, ‘chaddi buddies’ head back to their NRI lives/nature parks/nip tuck discipline - and I who have been tour operator/team leader/tout/tangdi kebab supplier, struggles for equilibrium, some random thoughts about Indian life:
1. Like why do airline travellers get up the moment a flight lands. And then just stand like penguins staring aimlessly at the dandruff ridden shoulder in front of them, a rucksack slamming into their face — just waiting for ten, fifteen, sometimes twenty minutes till the aerobridge/steps arrives. Is there a genuine fear that the plane —
A. Will take off again
B. Be hijacked by ISIS
C. Blow up owing to TNT stored in the hatch
D. Checked-in luggage may be stolen from the baggage belt
2. Like what’s the deal with Whatsapp and the amount of hours the average ‘lukha’ Indian spends on it. I’m convinced our PM needs a start-up initiative for us to start working again. I appreciate it’s a free service but so much idle time? Just take the number of groups I’m on, that too against my will. And if I attempt to leave, there are serious ‘senti’ repercussions. Here are some groups —
A. ICSE Batch of ’78 (below 45%)
Obviously everyone in this group almost failed their Board exams and has gone onto to become a true success in life (thus proving the obvious ‘merits’ of the Indian Educational System)
B. Jugnu’s Bachelor Party (Feb 1)
This is a short-term group, formed merely to organise a wild party for a ‘building buddy’ who’s about to take the plunge. But from 6 am to 12 pm I get countless pointless notifications, stale Santa-Banta jokes, unfunny memes, quotes by various prophets. And, all I want to know is who’s bringing the wine, women and song for our buddies last night of freedom?
C. Standard Chartered Marathoners
(Don’t know how I got added to it)
But routine conversations like the following keep popping up on my screen —
— Dude, had carbs at night, “mere waat toh lag gayi” this morning.
— Accha bro I’m running for an NGO. “Citizens for Cats With No Claws”…we’re trying to raise R6 lakhs, National Geographic is the main sponsor.
The marathon is long since over, but the group still exists sharing food plans and other faff.
3. Like tell me that Bhupendra Chaubey’s brutish misogynistic behaviour towards Ms Leone was a spoof merely to get TRPs for CNN-IBN. And actually he is deeply respectful of her past — and that, in fact he, she and Daniel Weber post interview went out for a karaoke night.
4. Like tell me Sooraj Pancholi getting the debutant Filmfare Award was actually for his abs not his acting. That actually the award was jointly won by the actors from Masaan and Titli.
I do feel that the amount of time Bollywood stars spend in the gym building muscles instead of perfecting their craft — there should be the following new awards —Best Actor — Biceps. Best Actor — Triceps. Etc, etc. You get my drift, yes, dear reader?
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at email@example.com