Space: The Final Frontandrearier

The future is here, and it’s not just the one I dreamed of, but the one I fantasized about. This week Pornhub (the world’s largest liquid manufacturer) announced that it wants to raise funds online to finance the filming of a sex scene in space. We can debate the morality of it all we want, but first let’s agree on one thing; this is the most badass thing the human race has ever attempted. The only way this could be more badass is if James Cameron signs on to shoot this in 3D using cameras built entirely of Bear Grylls’ nightmares.

Pornhub wants to raise funds online to finance the filming of a sex scene in space. We can debate the morality of it all we want, but first let’s agree on one thing; this is the most badass thing the human race has ever attempted. Pic/Thinkstock
Pornhub wants to raise funds online to finance the filming of a sex scene in space. We can debate the morality of it all we want, but first let’s agree on one thing; this is the most badass thing the human race has ever attempted. Pic/Thinkstock

Pornhub’s (the world’s largest cause of tissue-usage) spaceporn idea is how we know we’re past our early, tentative pioneer phase of space travel, and now we mean business. Throughout history, places have only truly been considered tamed and conquered when the people who get there say “Right, we can have lots of sex here now.” We’re done with the whole “How can I survive here what if I die” attitude to you, space. We are like literally sooo totally over you, that we’re just going to have some terribly filmed, saxophone-laced, zero-G sex on you.

Before I argue that this is an amazing idea for several reasons, I’d like to first throw my hat in the ring as a writer for this film. As writing samples, I present the following excellent space-porn dialogue:

1) “One small thrust for man, one giant thrust for mankind”
2) “I want to blow my airlock all over your space”
3) “Captain the creature seems to be an alien orgasm!”
4) “Wanna see my Curiosity Rover?”
5) “In space, no one can hear you cream”
6) “Did someone order sausage pizza in a van from a horny doctor who loves saying the word probe?”

Now that I’ve got the job, let me clarify that I think that space porn is important from a scientific point of view. Not just because “I was watching it for the physics” is a great excuse when caught with pornography, but because historically, the pornographic industry has always decided the technology of the future. VHS won over Betamax because porn chose VHS. The Internet won over other ways of wasting time (like needle-work and singing-songwriting) because porn is on the Internet.

In that same way over the last few years, budgets for space exploration have been falling. NASA’s been cutting budgets for years and to hear some news reports tell it, astronauts are three days away from eating each other and selling Amway to Martians just to make ends meet. Pornography in space could change all that. An interest in space-porn could see billions of dollars diverted to the cause of hyper-light travel and space colonization, as studios compete to see who can shoot the world’s first Mars, Jupiter, and of course, most importantly, Uranus porn.

And that’s why I think we should all get behind Pornhub (the world’s largest collector of sad Saturday nights) in their dream to shoot pornography in space. We need to do this. For science. Going to the moon is one form of endeavour, but coming on it, a whole other.

Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi

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