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Spider vs Bat

Spiderman was feeling very sorry for himself after the success of The Dark Knight Rises. He called Batman on his BatCell. “Why am I not as popular as you?

I tried to get a ticket to your movie, but all the shows were houseful. The box office guy didn’t recognise me, so to prove my identity, I attempted to climb the walls of INOX — but kept falling.

I really envy our archrival Clark Kent — he would’ve darted into a PCO booth, changed his clothes, and reappeared as Superman. Tell me, what do you have that I don’t? I even kissed a babe upside down in Spiderman 1. Can you do that?”


Illustration/ Amit Bbandre

Batman replied, “Yo bro Spidey, I’m a bat for Christ’s sake. Of course I can do that. The point is, romance is not cool anymore, even upside down. Babes don’t just want guys, they want guys with gizmos. This is the hi-tech age, dude. Have you checked out my Batmobile? What an awesome motorbike.

Catwoman can change direction on it instantly. All you are able to do is climb building walls dressed in a figure-hugging leotard. Are you a Superhero or a ballet dancer? See how Christopher Nolan has made the Bat so desirable. Spiders suck, man. You’ll have to convert ‘yukky’ into ‘sexy’.”

“So where do I start?” the Spider asked the Bat. “Dude, that’s like Pranab Mukherjee asking for Sangma’s help to become the President. But chalo, since I’m so big-hearted, and my movie is so much bigger than yours, I’ll advise you. First you need to lose that costume of yours. Red and blue as a colour combo? You look like a member of the English one-day cricket team. Check out my outfit — fully metallic and muscular, six-pack and all. Guys are envious, girls are ecstatic.” “Cool, I’ll talk to Abu Sandeep about my costumes,” the Spider said weakly.

“Why do you have Indian fashion designers for your outfit?” Batman asked horrified. “For the Hindi dubbed release, my producers felt that Indian clothes would create identification among audiences in Bhopal and Rajkot — so we reshot sections of the film, with me in long flowing sherwanis, with sequined collars. It really helps in the flying sequences.”

“Okay, Spidey, forget about the clothes. Let’s focus on tech. Get yourself some sexy wheels like my Batmobile. Shape your vehicle like the body of a spider, with eight protrusions and giant tyres at the end of each. You could call it The Spideometer.” “Ok, I’ll get my producers to talk to Maruti, maybe they can design me a car,” said Spidey.

By now Batman was losing patience. “Ok brother Arachnid, I have to go now, I have CM Prithviraj Chauhan on the other line — he was so impressed with my exploits in Gotham City, he’s hired me for a special assignment in Mumbai. It’s called BMC — BATMAN MASSACRES CORRUPTION.”

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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