Take fresh guard for your second innings

Oct 05, 2011, 07:21 IST | Surekha S
As cricketer Shane Warne and actress Elizabeth Hurley line up to join the long list of couples who aren't afraid to walk down the aisle for a second time, The Guide seeks to untie the knots about what it takes to make a second marriage work

"I now pronounce you man and wife." While this might be the most ecstatic, life-changing  moment for most people, it might also be one of doubt, insecurity and scepticism for second and third-timers taking the plunge. With Shane Warne and Elizabeth Hurley all set to join the league of Jennifer Lopez, Tom Cruise, Aamir Khan and Co., marriage counselors believe that it is all about possessing a certain amount of courage and maturity to make this commitment. While couples are a lot more cautious when they enter a second marriage, they seem to try harder to to make it work. 

Twice over
Puja Bhatia, a 30-year-old Mumbai-based professional with three kids decided to call off her marriage when she realised she could no longer deal with her husband's infidelity. While she was looking for another place to move into, she met a good-looking pilot, who was four years her junior. She liked him too, but was so hurt from her first marriage that she was sceptical of entering a second one. "Why does he want to marry me?

He is good looking and has a good job while I have three kids, she would ask herself," says Rhea Pravin Tembhekar, a marriage counselor who tried to help her out. "The fact that her husband cheated on her had made her very insecure about her looks. It took a while for her to believe that the pilot liked her and wanted to marry her. The good part was even her kids liked him," adds Rhea.

Insecurity and scepticism is very common in people who opt for a second marriage, feels Rhea. "How the second marriage shapes up depends on plenty of factors including whether the first marriage ended badly, the age of the person and whether there are children from the first marriage," explains Rhea. "The second time around they are careful to not make the same mistakes as before. More so, since man's biggest fear is to not be alone," she adds.

If the first marriage has been abusive or violent, most often, people refrain from entering wedlock a second time. But, if it breaks because of differences, the people involved are more willing to give the marriage another chance.

Dr Rajan Bhonsle, who heads Heart to Heart Counseling in Byculla, says that most people are cautious and this is good for the second marriage to work. Once a 36-year-old lady approached him to check if she should enter a second marriage. Her first marriage was with a man she was in love with and dated for four years.

She filed a divorce soon after returning from her honeymoon. "Her husband had sexual preferences she could not give in to. Now, when she came back to me before her second marriage as she was very scared that a similar thing might happen. I invited both of them for a session and spoke to them openly about everything, including sex. After the session she agreed to go ahead with the marriage," he says.

According to Bhonsle, before one enters a second marriage there are certain things one should keep in mind: Understand what went wrong in the first marriage and find out what mistakes he or she made. Blaming the spouse may not help. Check compatibility with the new person. Get to know him/her well.

Be honest to him/her about your previous marriage and be transparent with each other. If you have differences, be patient, sit together, discuss it and sort it out. If you have children, make sure your would-be spouse also spends enough time with them. Sign up for counselling sessions if you have doubts or unresolved issues.

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