Ladies and gentlemen, this is Rohan speaking, and I’ll be your chief flight attendant on Royal MP Airways Flight MP 543 from Mumbai to Ranchi via Chennai. Yes, we are aware that we were originally supposed to fly direct to Delhi, but MPs on board have decided that Ranchi is nicer this time of the year, and so, we must all go there. The stopover in Chennai is because one of the MPs wants to try the world-famous Hyderabadi Biryani.
High life: Some MPs had recently approached the Ministry, complaining that private airlines were not following the protocol of extending all facilities and courtesies to them
We could tell him Chennai and Hyderabad are different cities, but he’s a VIP, so may we request that the other passengers just play along.
We are scheduled for departure 40 minutes from now and have not yet completed boarding. But, one of the MPs has to use the loo, and even though there are four on this aircraft, he wants to use the one at his house in Ranchi because “I have stage fright”, so we’ll leave now. We apologise for the inconvenience caused to passengers who have not yet boarded, and will later observe a minute’s silence for the old lady we pushed out so we could seal the doors in time. On the bright side, her wheelchair is still here in case anybody needs one. Do not worry about the queue of aircrafts waiting to take off and land before us; we have stuck a red beacon atop our plane to make it clear to them that they don’t matter.
The captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign, which has caused the MPs to walk out in protest. Forgive them, it’s a Pavlovian response to anyone trying to get work done. Once they return, may we please request that all MPs keep their seat back upright, tray table folded and stow your black money either in the overhead cabin or under the seat in front of you.
To fasten your seat belt, insert the metal tip into the buckle, unless you’re an MP, in which case, just sit down, you’re probably fat enough to get wedged for good. There are several emergency exits in the aircraft, and in the event of an emergency, we’ll probably all lose our rights again. Apologies for that spot of MP gallows humour. In event of an actual emergency, follow the floor-level lighting to the door closest to you and then die anyway, because the door is probably clogged with MPs trying to save themselves first.
In the event of cabin decompression, oxygen masks will deploy from the panel above you. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure the MP’s mask first, and then the other MP’s, and then try to breathe normally as you kiss your irrelevant loved ones goodbye. Life vests should be under your seat but they aren’t, because the MP in business class made Rs 2,000 crore off a scam involving them.
We’d like to remind passengers that this is a non-smoking and non-drinking flight, and smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with lavatory smoke detectors is against the law, which doesn’t apply to MPs anyway, so LOL.
We thank you for flying Royal MP Airways Flight MP 543 to Bhutan via Goa and Chandigarh and we hope you fly with us again. And in case you’re wondering whether our MPs have heard all the insults we’ve levelled at them during this announcement, fret not; we know they’ve been too busy ogling the rest of our cabin crew to notice. Dhanyavaad.
Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi