I’ve been watching the erratic behaviour of some of our Rich and Famous. So I hit upon the idea of starting an anger management school for Bollywood actors and IPL owners/sons. 

My first stop was the Badshah of Bollywood — Shah Rukh Khan. SRK was at home waiting for the IPL finals to start.

“Why aren’t you at the stadium, Shah Rukh, your team KKR is in the finals?” I asked. “I’ve been banned from all stadiums in India”, he ranted, smashing a punching bag. “Okay, I’m planning to start a school for anger management classes. Will you join?”

“K-KKKKKyo… I’m not angry,” he thundered, wagging his finger at me. “But sir, you slapped Shirish Kunder two months ago, threatened a security guard last week…aren’t these tell tale signs of a fiery temper”

“So, what is there, I have beaten up many villains in my movies, doesn’t mean I’m angry with them. Anyway, I’m an actor, and I have five expressions. The angry expression is one of them.”  My next stop was Wasabi, the Japanese restaurant — maybe I would have better luck with the Chhota Nawab, I thought.
Saif Ali Khan was eating some sushi with Bebo, when I sat down uninvited at his table.

Illustration/ Amit Bandre

“Hello Saif…” I started. “I’m not a show off, ok... you’re a show off,” he snapped at a guest sitting at the next table. “Uh, Saif, let’s start again, will you join my anger management school?”

Saif turned to the waiter, ‘Make mine large,” he said. “And why is everyone talking so loudly in this restaurant, I’ve come here for some peace and quiet. And you,” he said pointing at me, “I’m never angry, just verbally expressive, got it?”

And so I left and headed off to meet John Abraham who was working out in the sun. “Johnny boy, I’m planning to start a school for angry bad boys…” I began.

“Do you use Garnier Fairness Cream?” the muscle man asked. “I do…here, try some. Take care.” And he pushed off on his massive bike.

I flew to Bangalore to try my luck with Siddharth Mallya who was showing a RCB cheerleader how to dance. “Deepika, move like this”, he demonstrated.

“That’s not Deepika,” I said. “Yes it is — we only hire cheerleaders whose name is Deepika. That’s the qualification. And what do you want?”

“To help you be less angry, I’m starting classes…” “Do you see me angry in person, do you…?” “Na. I only rave and rant on Twitter. My motto — In person I’m sweet. I explode when I tweet,” he said. Then my phone rang. “Hello, this is Aamir Khan…,” the voice said. “Aamir, hi,” I said, “I’m starting classes…”

He cut me short. “Uh..why are you bothering all the stars. Are you a stalker? Are you star crazy? Do you have problems? Are you lonely? Come and be a guest on my next episode of Satyamev Jayate.”

Rahul da Cunha is an adman,  theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.