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The Transferer

Rahul-da-CunhaMy neighbour, Jignesh Solanki is a transferer. “What exactly do you do, Jigneshbhai?’ I enquired. “I am a professional transferrer. I transfer people, actually all things living, from point A to point B, for their personal safety. That is my ‘dhandha’.” “So, you don’t transfer, like funds, from Indian banks to Swiss accounts?”

“Na re na, Rahulbhai. I do big big transfers, like Ben Affleck did in that picture, Argo.” “I see, so what big transfers are you involved with? “Many, so many. At the moment, I am so busy transporting the Gir lions out of Gujarat to Madhya Pradesh. The poor shers are very unhappy. They say they will miss all their dhoklas and theplas, but what to do? It is for their own safety.”  “I see, that is quite a complicated transfer. Anything simpler?” “Of course, of course, you must be very much familiar with ‘Slapgate’?” “Oh yes, that very unfortunate incident involving bowlers Sreesanth and Harbhajan Singh.” “Haan, you see, Rajasthan Royals have hired my services. Now, they know that that crazy fellow Sreesanth has reopened the ‘Slapgate’ controversy. 


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He is desperate to stay in the news, so he has tweeted 44 times that poor Bhajji didn’t slap, but ‘backstabbed’ him by some elbow manoeuver. Correct? Now, last week the Royals played the Mumbai Indians. Harbhajan is maha angry, if he sees Sreesanth he will nakki make sarson da saag out of him. So Raj Kundra told me, “Boss, you please arrange to ‘transfer’ him safely otherwise Bhajji will do his own ‘jumping jhapping’ on him. So on the eve of the match, I transferred Sreesanth out of Jaipur and match ke baad, I returned him. Rahulbhai, you understand what I mean by transferring. Very delicate matter.” “Sounds very exciting,” I conceded. “You are protector, transporter and bodyguard all rolled into one.” “Recently, my biggest bijness comes from political parties. Ohoho…solid rokda I am making.” “Which political parties, specifically,” I asked. “Arre, bhai, everyone wants protection from everyone. 

Congress, BJP, Trinamool, JD (U), are all my clients. So, when Rahul Baba, also referred to as Bachoo in the Twitter world, goes to Gujarat to stake his prime ministerial candidature, I transfer NaMo, also referred to as Feku in Twitter language, out of Gujarat. And when NaMo goes to Congress’ strong states, I transfer the young Gandhi out temporarily.” Jigneshbhai suddenly looked stressed. “But Boss, I am solid tensed up. I am facing my biggest test so far.” “What is it, Jigneshbhai?” “There is one politician, Rahulbhai. He has pissed off everybody. Farmers, his own party, opposition parties, family members. Everybody wants his blood. I am at a loss about what to do, where to transfer him” “That’s easy, Jigneshbhai. How about the Thar Desert. The driest place in India?”

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper. 

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