What a fortnight it has been. I’ve been interviewing many a celebrity with my tough-talking microphone, a la Barkha Dutt. So, first up was Aamir Khan.
“Aamirji... I’d like to ask you once again, what did you think of the AIB Roast? Why did of you, of all people, ‘judge’ those four boys, calling their YouTube video violent and vulgar? The extremists I understand. I expect no better of them.
But you’re an entertainer, sir. Where’s your empathy? You yourself have been at the receiving end of the hardliners. The posters of PK show you butt-naked, except for a radio. DK Bose is the most vulgar song in recent memory… what were you thinking?”
Illustration / Amit Bandre
“You see, people have a choice to see my movies. YouTube is free for all,” he justified. “Sir, with Satyamev Jayate, you are our moral compass. But you’ve joined the moral police.”
“I must leave,” Aamir said hurriedly, “I have a touch of Delhi Belly and I have to beat up some baddies in Ghajini 2.”
I was famished after this interview and looked around for a late night snack. Whom did I meet but young Aditya Thackeray, chomping on a Bade Miya chicken roll.
“Dude, wassup with all this sudden demand for eateries staying open all night? You truly want a 24/7 thingy or is this your attempt at 20 minutes of fame?”
“Hey man, I’m human like you, I also get hungry at odd hours,” he shot back.
“I can understand the resident vs hoteliers battle. Dhanda vs disturbance. But when political parties jump into the fray, wanting 24/7 partying. Surely that means 24/7 political partying, na? You can understand our cynicism, bro. If you’re ravenous at 3 am, go ahead raid your own fridge, why turn the whole of Kala Ghoda into an entertainment zone?” I queried.
“Gotta go bro, dad’s calling me. We’re off to Sewri. He wants to shoot the flamingoes,” the young scion concluded.
The next morning, I met Yuvraj Singh as he bounded out of the IPL auctions.
‘Hey Yuvi, wait up. What a coup… the selectors didn’t think you were worthy of the ICC team, but you still are the highest paid player at R16 crore. Wow, congrats. Where you headed?”
“Surat, man, Surat. I want to make it in time to bid for Modiji’s suit. The bidding has ended at R4 crore... I want to re-open the auction. I want that jacket. I want to have ‘YuvrajYograyYuviSingh’ re-stitched as I go out to play for Delhi Daredevils. Cool, na?”
I was heading home when I bumped into a cricket fan waving the Indian tricolour, bursting crackers.
“India jeet gaya… zindabad!” he yelled. “Sir, we haven’t won yet, we play South Africa today.”
“Arrey bhai, we have won… we beat Pakistan, na?”
Finally, I met Mamata Didi at Dum Dum airport, sniffing madly from a cough and cold.
“Mrs Banerjee, what is the problem? Why are you unwell?”
‘Arrey, baat are eu saying? I am been bitten by that mosquito.”
“Madam, I think that is called dengue.”
“No, that mosquito is a swine. And it flies. That is why eet is called ‘swine flew’.”
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com
The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.