11:00 am: Today is column deadline day and I haven’t been able to think of any ideas. Perhaps I need a change of scenery. I think I shall go write at a coffee shop. Sitting at home in my boxers is not inspiring. Working out of coffee shops seems to work for hipsters, should work for me.
11:30 am: Still at home. Still in boxers. I blame Reddit.
12 pm: Have reached coffee shop. Shall sit in the outdoor section and enjoy Mumbai’s lovely monsoon breeze.
12:02 pm: Mumbai’s lovely monsoon breeze is made up exclusively of flies, mosquitoes and cigarette smoke. Moving indoors.
12:10 pm: Indoors. Coffee Shop has free Wi-Fi.
12:20 pm: WHY WON’T YOU WORK YOU BA***RD FREE WIFI
1:00 pm: I luv u Reddit
1:20 pm: Crunch-time. Must choose topic. Three options:
1) Is putting plus-sized people on magazine covers turning into a cheap gimmick?
2) Should the American flag just be a gun with a giant middle finger coming out of it?
3) I luv u Shower Thoughts Reddit
1:45 pm: Cannot write. Sitting at giant communal table. Boy next to me is trying to flirt with girl next to him. She is reading a book about poetry. This is going to be fun.
1:50 pm: Boy would like to show girl some of his own poetry, which is on his phone
1:51 pm: Girl has realised his poetry is on his blog. She has noted down the link and said she will see it later.
1:52 pm: Boy is undeterred. Like all good poets, failure scares him not a jot. He insists that he wants feedback from the girl.
1:53 pm: Girl says she’ll give him feedback. Boy is so jubilant I fear he may never write another poem again
1:54 pm: Girl says by feedback she meant she’ll leave a comment on his blog. Eventually. Maybe. Boy is gutted. Poetry career no longer in jeopardy.
1:55 pm: Cannot believe I just used the words “poetry career”. Shall order self a coffee and some food to celebrate my wittiness.
2:10 pm: Forgot this was a coffee shop and ordered salad. My stomach has become death, destroyer of worlds.
2:15 pm: Poet has left, crestfallen. I feel that tonight he will pen his greatest work. Or masturbate furiously.
2:30 pm: Okay seriously, how do people get any work done at coffee shops? Beginning to suspect that all hipsters are frauds. The second sentence has nothing to do with the first.
2:45 pm: MMAAAAADDDDDD SUUUGGGARRRRRRRR RUSHHHHHHHH. SHOULDNOTHAVEORDEREDTHEGRANDEMOCHAFRAPPUCCINOWITHCARAMELSAUCEAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
3:00 pm: Have observed other people working here, and they all have headphones on. That’s what I need. Headphones and music, to shut the world out.
3:04 pm: Carly Rae Jepsen is so amazing.
3:10 pm: What excuse to give to editor for not sending column today?
3:30 pm: Just paid bill. Shit shit shit. Just spent 500 rupees to waste three hours. So this is what it’s like being a Salman Khan fan. Hmmmmmmmmm.
3:45 pm: Working from coffee shop was a total bust. Cannot believe people recommend this nonsense. I know so many people who swear by this. Colleagues avoid meetings with me, telling me they’re spending the entire day working hard out of a coffee shop. All I saw was people faffing, chilling and doing nothing.
Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi