What's the magic word?
We solemnly think Chetan Bhagat has a good chance of getting that Booker in 2014. And you'll now know what PM Manmohan Singh and a bestseller fantasy novel have in common. But do not, under any circumstance, get Arnabed this year
2014 Words of the year:
Many of us learned several new words, such as ‘adamantine’ and ‘lacerate’, thanks to Tehelka editor Tarun Tejpal. Oxford dictionary declared ‘selfie’ as the word of the year. What can be the buzzword for the forthcoming year? A few suggestions:
AAPtermath (n): The period of self-realisation and awakening after you’ve been destroyed and decimated by someone who you never thought was powerful enough
Arnabed (v): When one suffers a public humiliation at the hands of another, and this is viewed by millions of people all over the country and the world. Several persons have been ‘arnabed’ till date and will continue to be ‘arnabed’
Bhailogue (n): Nonsensical dialogues usually attributed to Salman Khan, causing mad hysteria among his fans
Students turn teachers
With the advent of SMS lingo and Internetspeak, teachers are finding it increasingly difficult to understand what their students write in their examination answer sheets. Using ‘z’ for pluralisation, alternate capitalisation of letters and misplaced apostrophes had already taken a toll on the faculty. Moreover, they were unable to understand what their students were bitching about behind their back. Even confiscation of mobile phones and screening of messages couldn’t help them decipher the abbreviations like ICYMI, ROFLMAO, LULZ, TLDR which looked more like World War II communication codes. Nor were they able to understand Whatsapp emoticons and how they worked (thumbs down). Hence, the tables will be turned and it is the wards who shall become the purveyors of knowledge, and teach their gurus the art of communicating on
Manmohan Singh finds his voice
We get to know why our PM has been silent for almost 10 years as crores and crores of public money was looted right in front of his eyes. He was too busy working on his fantasy novel. You see, he let all the anger at the corruption build up inside him.
Every night, he would go back to 7, Racecourse Road and write his heart out. As Ernest Hemingway said, “Write drunk. Edit sober.” As the general elections approach, PM Singh is inching closer to the release of his epic saga -- a la A Song of Ice and Fire and Lord of the Rings -- about the story of a family who rule over a kingdom and how it manipulates and uses its power for its own selfish schemes. Any similarity with real-life characters is purely coincidental (even the character named Ainos). Singh’s novel shall reach the best-selling mark within a week and he will finally be seen speaking his heart out at literature festivals and press conferences. One copy of his book is kept in offices of all opposition parties. Move over Amish Tripathi, India’s all set to get a new best-selling fantasy author.
Booker for Bhagat
H is last book came out in 2011. It is inevitable that another one will come out this year. When he is not busy cracking jokes on Twitter and making public appearances, Chetan Bhagat manages to squeeze out yet another novel set in small town India. The Man Booker committee decide to award him the Man Booker Prize 2014, hoping he will retire. The committee is wrong and Bhagat starts working on another novel — the story of how an investment banker quit his job to write novels, follow his dreams and eventually won the most coveted literary award in the world.
140 characters are the limit
Students in schools and colleges start using mini-sized notebooks where each page has space for only 140 characters. Thanks to Twitter, no one has time to read beyond 140 characters. Questions in exams will be as follows:
“Explain in 140 characters, the concept of entropy.” (5 marks)
“What was the trending topic
during the 1942 Quit India movement? Why?” (3 marks)
“Adding your comment, ReTweet in 140 characters, keeping the essence of the joke intact.” (3 marks)
“Answer in detail” will now only be worth 1 mark, because who needs details?