Wicket cricket and all that runway rumpus

Mar 20, 2015, 08:03 IST | Hemal Ashar

The United Nations (UN) has earmarked today, Friday, March 20 as the International Day of Happiness. So just for today, in the hope of a chuckle or two, it is time to be oh-so-flippant, so very ridiculous, crazily ludicrous... even a little bit inane or insane, if you want to call it.

So who can blame you dear reader, if you hope this newspaper turned into a fat baton so that you could beat the living daylights out of the person who wrote this? Ouch! But, wethinks the UN has said the time is ripe for some tripe. So this columnist is once again, truly and deeply wondering...

Knot too soon, huh?
Knot too soon, huh?

>> Whether one cab sings to another in a lovesick voice... tariff karoon mein uski jisne tumhe banaya...

>> Whether one tie tells another, what do you think, isn’t it time to tie the knot, now?

>> Whether fairy tales about cricket pitches always feature a wicket stepmother?

>> Whether our new electronic doors in trains say: well we’re some sensor-ed stuff, you know

Trying for the Indian cricket team
Trying for the Indian cricket team

>> Whether a stamp tells an envelope loftily of course: ‘hey, people continue to lick my backside you know...’

>> Whether pigs wonder whether they should have their very own pork-ing lots in the city?

>> Whether a clock tells another, not to be an alarmist

>> Whether a cricket commentator who knows his Shakespeare would say in this World Cup: ‘beware the wides of March’

Let’s talk about ex, baby
Let’s talk about ex, baby

>> Why pressure cookers are allowed to get away with so many ceetees at women?

>> Whether Mumbaikars need a visa to visit the SoBo restaurant, Burma, Burma

>> Whether two eggs can sign a Memorandum of anda-standing?

Play it again, piano
Play it again, piano

>> Whether hens enrolled in an MA course for literature say they prefer poultry to prose?

>> Why real estate prices in Mumbai never need alcohol, to become high?

>> Why a piano does not use a pick up line like: ‘you hold the keys to my heart’?

That's my business
That's my business

>> Whether one tree at Goregaon’s Aarey Milk Colony tells another: ‘Well my ex is simply histree now, you know... ’

>> Whether a thermometer will start crooning huskily to a patient: ‘Fever. you give me fever when you hold me tight...’

>> Whether a thief caught by the police says dramatically, aakhir hum aapke hai con...

So, I stick around
So, I stick around

>> Whether Mumbai’s beggars will start insisting on being paid by cheque, very soon?

>> Why a glass of cold milk acts like such a cool doodh?

>> Whether you realise that in old Hindi movies separated brothers were re-united through songs, like in ‘Yaadon ki Baarat’ today, they may simply scream at each other: ‘Hey, found you on Facebook bro!'

Runways are routine
Runways are routine

>> Whether falling for the Statue of Liberty is all about unrequited love, because after all, she is holding a torch for somebody else...

>> Whether an aircraft wonders what all the excitement is about the ongoing Fashion Week, after all it goes down the runway everyday. Celebrities do not sit in the front row to watch and press photographers do not wait for a wardrobe malfunction...

>> Why spectacles in optician's stores do not consult a lawyer, (do you think they can afford Ram Jethmalani?) since they are always being framed?

>> Whether a cow tells another... yeh joh moo-hobbat hain, yeh unka hai kaam...

>> Whether a muscular Arab ruler is a protein Sheikh?

>> Why weep if your maid leaves the job, after all, one should let bai-gones be bai-gones

>> Whether a computer mouse asks another rakishly, ‘hey your (mouse)pad or mine?’

>> Why bother about a broken pencil? It is quite pointless, anyway?

>> Whether you know that a radiologist’s films are always x-ray-ted?

>> Whether a criminal bee in a holdup pushes a gun into another’s back and says in an ominous voice, ‘your honey or your life...’

>> Why a maths teacher cannot be arrested for telling her class to: go forth and multiply

>> Whether a fish at Mumbai's Taraporevala Aquarium sings to another, hum gill de chuke sanam

>> Whether a carpenter has no choice but to hit the nail on the head...

>> Whether a clothesline needs to be taken down a few pegs...

>> Why a bottle of hair colour is naturally dye-bolical?

>> What Mumbai's traffic cops think about songs like: 'tere liye hi signal tod-taad ke, aaya dilliwaali girlfriend...'

>> Whether a tube of toothpaste says. well I am a pet squeeze...

>> Whether one bean bag tells another, tere bean-a bhi kya jeena?

>> Why The Kerala Banana Wafers Association does not adopt this anthem, 'A-kele hain toh kya gham hain...'

>> Why a mango does not make it to the Indian World Cup cricket team, as a lethal, deceptive left aam spinner?

Why, even after warnings, are you reading this tripe, anyway?

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