Will you vote for my GG Party?

I have strong political leanings. For one year I was on the committee of my building co-operative society. Okay, so I had no official portfolio, but was elected unanimously to the entertainment committee. Okay, so I wasn't the guy given the responsibility of organising picnics to Water Kingdom and EsselWorld. But I did tell jokes every time the more senior members of the society came to blows or needed their blood pressure controlled at annual general meetings.

This experience convinced me that I can make a difference to Mumbai politics. Much has changed in the last few years. This assembly elections, all of us voted for the man of the moment — the man who spent his Diwali adding some jawaani to our jawans in Siachen.

We voted him into our state to bring some order into our violence-ridden politics. We’re clear we don’t want:
1. Migrant labourers being beaten up because they come from the Hindi belt. We want them to do our manual work, we don’t care which part of the country
they’re from.

2. The smashing up of toll booths. We’re happier to pay the tariffs than the repairing of the ‘nakas’.
So as of January 2016, I’m starting a regional party called the GGP (Goan Gujarati Party) — The name stems from my mixed parentage. My mother’s from close to Anand, Gujarat and father from Arpora, Goa.

My target audience, as you can see, is very specific. The Goans and Gujaratis in Mumbai. Here’s my agenda — all you Solankis and Sequeiras, Patels and Pimentas listen up.

1. FISCAL FITNESS: My plan is to go into all the strong Gujarati areas like Bhuleshwar and convince the businessmen that their black money is safe.

You see when the BJP flip flops on revealing all their Swiss Bank account holders, tremors are felt in the bylanes of Dalal Street. My aim is to reassure all these hard working Gujaratis that their dubious earnings are intact.

2. DRY DAYS GO WET: High on my list of priorities is the abolishment of ‘dry days’ in Mumbai. Explain to me this absurd rule. On Ekadashi, on election counting days, you cannot get a drink for love or money in the city. What do you think, dear election commissioner, will happen? That rampaging drunks will attack the counting booths demanding a rum and coke? My Goan Gujarati Party will ensure that all 365 days in Maharashtra will be ‘wet’. Plus you get a free supply of dhoklas and undhiyu the entire day at specially constructed booths.

3. PLANE TRUTH: The party pledges big changes in our airline industry. We will rename GoAir and Indigo as Goa Air and Indigoa. All Goans will be flown into Dabolim Airport at half cost. And finally, Air India becomes Air Ahmedabad.
Gujju NRIs will be flown directly via Navi Mumbai to Newark. Five flights daily. So Bandra, Byculla, and Bhuleshwar can I count on your vote?

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62
The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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