Graceful losers? In INDIA? Never.
I begin this week with an apology. My words have no comedic value to offer you today. Let me explain; comedy is like Arnab Goswami, in that it relies on turning facts into hyperbole, yelling, obtuse generalisations and terrible analogies. A comedian’s craft depends on people doing ordinary or idiotic things that one can take and pass through the prism of said hyperbole, analogy, etc. I regret to inform you however that today I have been robbed of this opportunity by the Congress party (though Kapil Sibal assures me that the robbery has caused “zero loss” to the exchequer).
LOSE LOSE SITUATION: The party went out of its way to say the loss was in no way Rahul Gandhi’s fault, but that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh should have communicated better. Pic/PTI
The Congress lost the 2014 General Elections. Though the word “lost” implies that maybe they were 4 runs short of the target, or Arsenal scored in extra time. More accurately, the Congress tripped, following which a fat man sat on it and kicked it in the kidneys repeatedly, following which someone put a pair of noise-cancellation headphones on its ears that only plays Hookah Bar on loop, following which its eyelids were peeled open and an IMAX 3D Director’s Cut With 134 Extended Minutes print of Xposé was beamed directly onto its eyes while it was made to sit on an airplane with ONLY babies in every single other seat. And all those babies look and sound like Rahul Gandhi.
Losing is one thing. It’s the Congress party’s reaction to the loss that has resulted in my loss of income. They’ve been so hilarious in their response to this drubbing that as a comedian, there’s nothing left for me to do or say. For starters, the party went out of its way to say the loss was in no way Rahul Gandhi’s fault, but that PM Manmohan Singh should have communicated better. This is the political equivalent of a mother spanking a table and shouting at it to appease her idiot child who made the mistake of walking into it face-first. Whoever came up with that should be a screenwriter. He’d write the greatest movie climaxes of all time;
Earth collapses in on itself, crumbling into nothing as the machines eat it from the inside out, destroying all of humanity. Morpheus and Trinity watch sadly.
Morpheus: ‘know, this isn’t Neo’s fault.
Trinity: ARE YOU F***NG KIDDING ME?! WHEN THE FIRST MACHINE SHOWED UP, HE STARTED CRYING AND SOILED HIS PANTS BEFORE RUNNING AWAY.
Morpheus: No, it’s not.
Trinity: Okay, whose fault is it then?
Morpheus: It was actually the Agent-Smith-Wave effect, combined with the fact that you, Trinity, are just a rubbish girlfriend. You didn’t give him the confidence he needs. Wait, here comes Neo now. Don’t tell him there’s no more Earth, just smile and wave.
Trinity: Even the ending of LOST makes more sense than this.
As if that weren’t enough, the party also refused to accept the Gandhis’ resignation. Party workers chose to blame the defeat on everything from Dentsu (who were partly responsible for their campaign) to Mossad. Yes. That Mossad. I’m no political expert, but if I’d just been alienated from every form of governmental protection, power and privilege, I would not start talking smack at an intelligence agency that has its own personal form of martial arts. Aside from the Gandhis, the only people the Congress hasn’t blamed yet are Daenerys Targaryen and Yo Yo Honey Singh.
And this petulance has now extended to the crucible of all petulance; Twitter. The Congress has also refused to give up the PMO India Twitter account, instead turning it into ‘PMO India Archive’ and holding onto it. To be fair, it’s probably the only place they still have any followers, so I can’t blame them.
Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi