Diary of a Parliamentarian
As the monsoon session of Parliament dies pointlessly, an exclusive transcript from one MP's diary.
Day #1: Dear Diary! New session of Parliament starts today. My optimism smells like red-earth freshly broken, and our democracy smells like coconut oil. Or maybe that’s Mulayam Singh’s head. Ecstatic about participating in this pinnacle of the democratic process, the very fulcrum on which the levers of our democracy operate. The monsoon winds spurn us as a nymphet would spurn a man named Rocky in a Safari (named ‘Guddi’). But as I step into these hallowed halls, I yearn to light the kiln of policy-making, I long to hammer away at the sword of legislation, as it burns bright in the forge of our future. And as Plato once said, “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But here’s my number, call me maybe?”
Day #2: Will never ask Shashi Tharoor to write foreword to anything ever again. Silly woman.
Day #3: Much work to do this session. Need to pass 31 bills in one month. Bills. That reminds me, Mamatadi still owes me for yesterday’s coffee.
Day #4: Asked Mamatadi for coffee money. She says she already paid me and this is a Maoist conspiracy to defame her. WTFLOL?!
Day #4: Witnessing staggering revelations about trouble in coal industry. Rocked to my very foundations. Cannot believe that people would behave this way. Great performance by Manoj Bajpai though. Trailer for Part 2 looks even better.
Day #5: OMG FAIJAL KHAN IS AMAZING!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG! (No office today. Some shouting and stuff. Will definitely resume tomorrow though, after all we have 31 bills to pass.)
Day #6: More coal-scam trouble. BJP just staged walkout in Parliament. Am shocked. Partly because at this rate, no work will be done, and mostly because I didn’t think you could walk at that age.
Day #10: Oh Diary, I don’t know what to say. Just found out that coal-scam has cost exchequer 1,86,000 crore rupees. Angry, upset, and ashamed of being party to this. Especially since I haven’t made a rupee off this. This will not do.
Day #11: Made call to constituency. Had random man arrested for random non-crime. Called six businessmen and renegotiated bribe-rates. Got lackeys to drive convoy of SUVs around at high speed like a Rohit Shetty movie. Feeling better now. Will feel even better after ice-cream. And my copy of 50 Shades of Grey is here :D
Day #12: Didn’t sleep all night. Troubled by conscience and questions; when will we pass those 31 bills? Should I have eaten that much ice-cream? Do real chicks do what the one in 50 Shades does? Must call ND Tiwari today and ask. He knows these things. Holiday today anyway. Sorry, I mean, “adjournment”.
Day #16: BJP adamant about walking out. UPA insistent on parliamentary debate. Took provocative step to break this Gordian Knot and initiated a debate myself. Was told to sit down. Apparently the debate must specifically be about the coal-scam, and not “Huma Qureshi vs Richa Chadda: Whoz Hotter?” This country is going to the dogs.
Day #22: Oh diary I’m such a genius you should stick me in a bad wig and call me Albert. The agitation over the coal-scam was settling down and it looked like I was going to be stuck working all day. So I introduced a bill with the word “Quota” in it. That word brings things to a halt faster than a Ganpati visarjan. Chilling now. Two Uttar Pradesh MPs in the Rajya Sabha actually got into a fist-fight over this. Or maybe one liked Richa Chadda more.
Day #23: Team Huma 4eva. I love her.
Day #27: YAY! It’s over! Parliament has been adjourned sine die, which is latin for “bh**d mein jaaye desh, kuch kaam nahi hua.” The venerable Arun Jaitley said that “a loss of one session is acceptable”. With that philosophy, how he became president of a cricket association is beyond me. We in the Lok Sabha have had a great run, dear Diary. We burned through 10 crore rupees of taxpayer money, passed four bills, and worked for 22 per cent of our scheduled time. At last, I will be in the record-books for something. It is an honour to be a part of the second-least productive session in this government’s history. I cannot wait for the winter session. That’s even better weather to not work in. I love you Huma.
Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi