Mumbai: Last week I took two eleven-year-olds to Thorpe Park, the well-known theme park near London. The last time I went I was 14, when it was a gentle place with a few tame rides and a childrens farm.
The contrast between then and now couldnt be more astounding. Today its all about roller coasters; or 'death-rides as they should more appropriately be known. Mia and Daniel showed no fear as they boarded them each more sinister than the last, one by one.
Mia is my girlfriend Janes daughter and Daniel is my cousin. All day, the two of them had smiles on their faces, unperturbed by the speed at which the trains hurtled, twisting us every which-way, upside down and sideways.
I, on the other hand, struggled desperately not to embarrass them by throwing up. I had eaten a tuna sandwich less than an hour before the first ride and for the rest of the day it tumbled around in my belly like a coin in a washing machine.
For those of you who (like me, until this outing) are unfamiliar with modern theme park practices, you should be aware that once inside the park, having paid a hefty sum, you are invited to pay again to avoid the queues. A stroke of marketing genius: 'Heres an idea, why dont we make people pay twice?
I didnt want the children to later complain that I am a miser, so I bought three fast-track tickets which, rather than let you avoid queues, graciously allow you to join shorter ones.
After Id handed four ten-pound notes to the chubby cashier, Daniel said: Its expensive because they have to pay for the electricity."
Dan," I said, I promise you theyre not making less than a hundred per cent profit on these things: its institutionalised bribery.
Whats bribery?" said Dan.
Its whenâ¦" I stopped myself, fearing steam would shoot off my Aunt Nadias nostrils if she were to find out Id given her son a lecture on corporate greed on our Fun Day Out.
What neither childs parent told me was that there was no moral obligation for me to have boarded any of the rides. Eleven-year-olds are perfectly capable of doing this themselves without being accompanied by an ailing 37-year-old, screaming for his mummy. Id had no idea, thinking it would amount to criminal negligence not to join the children and terrify myself and my internal organs by jolting them violently in directions they are not used to
(I am sure a kidney nearly popped out of my gob).
All the while, the tuna sandwich beat against the wall of my belly. Even though I had chewed it, it felt whole.
One ride, called 'Saw, was simply upsetting. Apparently it has the steepest vertical drop in the world. It was so steep, and so fast, that my glasses were ripped off my face. My nervous system transported panic at a speed faster than the roller coaster how would I drive home without my glasses?
Luckily, we took a sudden, gut-wrenching twist and I was able to see that the glasses had been caught under Mias leg. I grabbed them and held on for dear life. At a couple of points the rides velocity challenged my grip, but I held firm.
Finally the roller coaster ground to a halt. People gasped with excitement; I was a traumatised wreck. It had been my own bright idea to do this; there was no one else to blame.
Perhaps I wanted a taste of what its like to be a parent. What I got was a taste of hell.
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