Finding a match for Lobo Lobo
'Arrey! Nutting wrong wid my healt! But everyting is dandi gul,'exclaimed my cable guy, breaking into Hindi, for some inexplicable reason.
Lobo Lobo came over looking like a burnt sparkler. "Dikuna men, please please put on your AC men, or your fan on full…I'm damn hot ya… jaldi karo, men!"
"Why you sweating, Lobo? Is everything ok? Are you well?"
"Arrey! Nutting wrong wid my healt! But everyting is dandi gul," exclaimed my cable guy, breaking into Hindi, for some inexplicable reason.
"Wot to tell you men, Sunday night, when our PM asked us all to shut all our lights at 9 pm, it was full catastrophe at my house. Bada problem, oh fo! Fust tings fust, my cuckoo son, Ronaldo, tought dat all electricity has to be put off, fridge, geyser everyting. So, he put off de main switch, and de whole bijli, full system tripped men, PHUT!
"Den dat mudder-in-law of mine, Hyacinth, had donated all our candles to de 'Our Lady of Perpetual Succour' parish down de road. So, what to use tonight, I'm tinking. Finally, I found one candle, but mera bad luck. There were no blinking matches! We have one big, big silver Eveready torch. I was maha khush, but den I discover, no blessed batteries. Luckily, my daughter Cinderella put on her phone torch.
"Dis one guy from our building, Champak Chugani, petname Lion, he looks like de '70s villain Ajit, he goes to our terrace, lights his 555 cigarette, den waves it left to right looks up in de sky and shouts repeatedly, 'Hey kaminey Corona, mere nazaron se hat jao, bhag jao, aaiinda tum wapas aaoge tho…' I wanted to tell de duffer, 'Hey Lion, de virus doesn't have ears men. Save your breat!' Den in de opposite building, just imagine dis pitcher men, every flat is dark, poora andera, only one flat dere is a light, a lantern, but de lantern is moving, I got shit scared. Den I saw de figure of a woman, wearing a white sheet carrying de lantern gliding up and down de living room chanting 'Woooooooo wooooooo'. It was like she was a character from a Ramsay Bros horror movie. Den I was told it is our opposite neighbour, Mrs Piloo Anklesaria."
"But otherwise, my friend, how are things, how are you holding up in this lockdown, the family is ok?" I asked, concerned.
"Arrey, Dikuna men, my home is like dat movie, One Flew Over De Cuckoo's Nest. Main star is my wife Myrtle, she is so 'darra hua' about de Corona virus, dat she is wearing a full face mask like de Phantom, plus gloves, even at night, and she's telling me "Arrey Theo, keep six feet between us men, please also sleep six feet away from me!"
"How to do it men? Our bed toh is only four feet wide."
"On a lighter note, Lobo Lobo, today is Easter, how do you plan to spend the day?"
"Wot to say men. I just pray to our Lord dat one Easter egg lands up at our doorstep and out pops de CoVid vaccine. We'll call it 'Eggs Quarantine'."
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at email@example.com
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