In a new book, TED Talk speaker Pooja Pande looks back at her parenting journey and those of others, to explain why motherhood swings from deeply fulfilling to very problematic
Pooja Pande. Pic courtesy/The Hassanwalia Sisters
Most of us would remember that famous men's clothing brand ad, which popularised the idea of wearing sleek suits to feel like "the complete man". If you are a woman, you'd probably need more than clothes to feel that way. Bearing children has always been mythicised as completeness. So much so that women, who cannot or do not want to, carry the albatross of being "inadequate", around their neck. It's this mummy mythopoeia that writer and TED speaker Pooja Pande examines in her new book, Momspeak (Penguin India).
Covering a wide spectrum of mothers—from single to queer mums, homemakers, sex worker mothers to corporate bigshots—she discusses the trials and tribulations of being a mother, and why this often, eulogised figure in popular culture is just as human as anybody else. "The idea of this book had been with me for over a decade, which is when my daughter was born," says Pande. "It's also a reflection of my own feminist journey, and the realisation of having made an investment in the world [with a child], and being a stakeholder in it." However, it was only a few years ago, when these ideas crystalised and Pande mindfully began making notes, and reaching out to other mothers, to open up the discourse of child bearing and rearing.
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Pande recounts her own experience with 'matrescence', hormonal whirls akin to seismic shifts occurring inside a new mother's body, while also raising concerns about postpartum depression. In the book, she writes of how "I thought the room I was in was like a prison." "With my own flesh and blood by my side, I was never more alone. "
"Matrescence is something mothers can't escape. It's a physical truth, just like adolescence is," she says. "But I think we don't like to speak about the experience of motherhood in dark terms, because we don't like complications around the idea of a 'mother'." Pande says that investing other worldly values in a mum, makes her the epitome of perfection. "We don't see her as a woman, and in the process, do her disservice." That we do not like to associate any kind of complexity with motherhood, is also why lesbian mothers are seen as a disruption in society, she thinks.
The story of Simran and Sabina, a lesbian couple in the book, and their journey to parenthood is an interesting case in point. The couple resisted the idea of being parents for the longest time, because they had already been experiencing "murmurs of disapproval from other people". But, through their story, Pande portrays the ordinariness of their parenting journey. "The point was to show the specificity of their parenthood experience, as well as the universality. With every mother I spoke with, there was something to connect with, and yet our experiences were very different."
Pande also discusses why "mindful parenting" is a new challenge. "In our culture, if a child does something good, the father is given the credit, and if something goes wrong, it's usually the mother's upbringing to blame. The good thing is that the conversation is slowly changing. Even during my research, a few people who I spoke with, were very mindful about calling it parenting. Some even corrected me, when I used the word 'mothering'." That, she says, has a to do with language politics.
"Once we start using the word 'parenting' enough, it becomes about equal responsibility of both the parents [in raising the child], and I am all for it. But I do sense that there is a lot of pressure, when it comes to mindful parenting. It should not be a stressful experience. It takes the joy out of it."
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