'How can I try to understand her better?'

Updated: Feb 10, 2018, 10:19 IST | Dr Love

Introducing Dr Love, who solves your relationship riddles in a confusing digital age

Illustration/Ravi Jadhav
Illustration/Ravi Jadhav

I want to try and understand my girlfriend a little better, because I think it will make our relationship a lot stronger. How can I do this?
You have the right idea, but I'm not sure why this is difficult when understanding comes simply from being honest and open to another person's point of view. If you can talk to her about anything, and encourage her to do the same, you're on your way to understanding each other better almost
at once.

My wife has a habit of saying really horrible things about my family whenever we fight. She is always very sweet to them when we all meet together, but insults them regularly whenever we have an argument. This two-faced nature of hers really stresses me out, because it makes me feel as if she is lying about everything. I have asked her not to say such things, and she says she doesn't really mean them after we make up, but I don't know why the same nasty comments crop up the next time we end up having a fight. I have now threatened to leave her if she says another word about them again. Am I the one doing the wrong thing? Isn't she to be blamed for ruining things to such an extent?
There is obviously more to this than meets the eye. If she continues to say things about them only during a fight, it's probably because she is looking for what will hurt you the most and has found it. If she has unresolved issues related to your family members, the sooner the two of you resolve them, the better it will be for your future together. Threatening to leave her doesn't seem like a sensible approach, because this is something that can be easily fixed with a little love and understanding. You could also simply ignore the things she says during a fight, because she will then lose her power to use them against you when she's angry.

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