Humour: A tongue-in-cheek look at the mango season

May 30, 2015, 08:55 IST | Hemal Ashar

So, you know the impotence of being earnest in an oh-so-serious world

What do they say about what a touch of the sun can do to you? Make you lose your mind or your marbles... in fact, go a little coco-loco. So, in that spirit of insanity rules, here are some nonsensical whethers and whys, including a healthy smattering of mango mirth, for whatever it is worth. Do not say you have not been told. Forewarned is fore-aamed, like they say… and on that note, one is wondering...

We pay by Aam-erican Express
We pay by Aam-erican Express

>> Why a desi egg and an English egg do not sign a Memorandum of Anda-standing? (MOA)

>> Why mangoes do not have a remake of the movie fostering communal harmony and call it Aam-ar Akbar Anthony?

>> Whether one thermometer says to another, you’re as hot as hell you know...

What a cool Aam-brella this is
What a cool Aam-brella this is

>> Whether a man who stuffs defunct taxis is known as a taxi-dermist?

>> Aam-ne yeh kaun aaya, dil mein hui dadhkan is the new anthem?

>> A maize who becomes an MP campaigns for his corn-stituency

>> A horse’s medical report always says: Stable

We like to sing at traffic signals
We like to sing at traffic signals

>> Why a bunch of bananas do not sing defiantly, 'A-kele hain, toh kya gham hain?'

>> Whether one mango tells another, none of your aam-twisting tactics with me?

>> Whether a fountain pen tells another: If you have the ink-lination, I have the time

>> Whether a mango in uniform is part of the Indian aam-y?

Beware the long Aam of the law
Beware the long Aam of the law

>> Have you heard one mango telling another, no need to apologise, there is no aam done

>> Whether you have met the mango scouting around for a stylish Aam-brella, for the upcoming Mumbai monsoon?

>> Why a mango does not launch its own credit card called the Aam-erican Express?

>> Whether Mumbai Commissioner of Police Rakesh Maria, chomps on a mango and says in low, ominous voice, 'Hey nobody can escape the long aam of the law’

Bollywood gets Aam-itabh
Bollywood gets Aam-itabh

>> A mango on a date with another thinks: I have to create the right Aam-bience…

>> An afoos struts as he says: I am the first Aam-angst equals

>> Whether a mango will become a Bollywood legend and call himself Aam-itabh Bachchan?

>> Why a divorce lawyer tells a mango divorcing another, that it is better to go in for an aam-icable settlement

>> In warfare, a crate of mangoes have a favourite technique called the Aam-bush

>> CNN news person has gorged on Mumbai mangoes and is now called Christianne Aam-anpour

>> An artistic mango is a temperamental one and needs to go to a f-aam-house retreat to paint in peace

>> Whether a mango who is a fortune teller, is a p-aam reader

>> Why you should never mess with a crate full of mangoes because it is simply aamed to the teeth

>> Whether you can sing to a waiter in a restaurant, Hum bill de chuke sanam...

>> Whether you know that Going Dutch in mango lingo simply means going to Aam-sterdam

>> Why you succumb to maska because the butter packet is always such a smooth operator

>> Whether the afoos and the langda get into an aam wrestling competition?

>> Whether one clothesline tells the other: I am down too many pegs

>> Mangoes protesting police action are all wearing black aam-bands

>> Whether an optician rues his luck, he knows he has no choice but to get framed

>> Whether one traffic cop sings to the other at a signal, shaam dhale, gaadi chale, tum ceetee bajaana chhod do...

>> Why an intoxicated plane never suffers from a hangar-over?

>> Whether you saw the Mumbai cops speeding on the JJ flyover chasing a cardboard box of a breakfast make and wondered what was going on. Until you learnt that that this one was a cereal killer.

>> Whether one ear of maize tells another, Don-style, corn ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai….

>> Why lawyers never get arrested for leaving their briefs behind?

>> Whether a defunct post box must undergo a post-mortem to ascertain the cause of death?

>> Whether if children’s writer Enid Blyton would be alive in these weight conscious days she would have written a series called Calorie Towers, where girls would not have decadent midnight feasts but nibble on carrots, celery and quaff down Diet Coke?

>> Whether a mango would make it to the next Indian Premier League (IPL) as Aam-ati Rayudu?

>> One salt shaker tells his peppy pepper counterpart: shake it baby, let’s dance on the table tonight?

>> The swish fish in Mumbai now swim in an International Baccalaureate (IB) school?

>> Whether one bottle of hair colour tells another, I just dye-d in your arms tonight?

>> You have heard the aces in a pack of cards arguing about who is a lady killer? The Ace of Hearts scoffs as he says, I am the winner, I steal hearts, but the Ace of Spades says that the women simply dig him and the Ace of Clubs interjects that his flying kisses always go club class. The Ace of Diamonds though snickers to himself as he thinks, what are these losers talking about? Aren’t we always told that diamonds are a girl’s best friend?

>> Whether BMC employees who are in charge of felling trees in Mumbai are happy. They have all the women chasing them, and sighing; It’s the axe effect…

>> And talking about trees and axes, if English professor Eunice De Souza were to read this she would say in disgust, “Think of all those trees being cut down to print the rubbish that you write here.” That’s true Prof. So, just why are you still reading this tripe, anyway?

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