I'm Going Stark Ravan Mad

Oct 25, 2015, 06:08 IST | Rahul Da Cunha

I feel like Ravana. No, no, I don’t want to be India’s most hated villain (second to Nawaz Sharif). I don’t wish to take on Lord Rama in battle...

I feel like Ravana. No, no, I don’t want to be India’s most hated villain (second to Nawaz Sharif). I don’t wish to take on Lord Rama in battle. Nor steal his wife. Or be burnt alive in various parts of the country. I don’t want 10 heads. Managing just one is seriously hard work as it is. Imagine the amount of tranquillisers and therapists I’d require to stay balanced.

But I’m just reeling from events of the last fortnight.

One head isn’t enough to fathom all of them simultaneously.

1. Ink throwing has become the new non-violent ‘gesture’. So catching a guy outside his building, holding him down and smearing Camlin all over his face and attire constitutes ‘ahimsa’. No sutures required after. Only soap. So, when Jesus said, “turn the other cheek”, he must have meant, “for them to put black ink on”.

My interest in this issue is two fold:
A. Where are people getting this ink from, considering fountain pens aren’t in vogue anymore?

B. What is this amazing ink that gets removed minutes after it’s applied on your face? And what is this magic stain remover? My dry cleaner looks at me sadly, every time I drop even a hint of food.

2. I feel I should return some award I’ve received in my lifetime as a gesture to support all the Sahitya Akademi folks. But the only award I ever won was ‘Best Actor ‘ for my portrayal of Mahatma Gandhi in a third standard school production, where the focus was really on the character playing Godse. In the climax, he shoots me and I’m supposed to say ‘Hey Ram’ and die. I forgot my lines but got the award anyway. The nomenclature of the prize was changed to ‘Best Comedian’.

3. Bihar goes to the polls in a phased manner that is so phased it’ll be longer than the serial ‘Buniyaad’. And just marginally shorter in length than IPL 9 now that Rajasthan Royals and Chennai Super Kings are banned — (talking about cricket I cannot imagine life without Viru Sehwag.

4. The Bachchans returned the R50,000 they’d each received back to the Uttar Pradesh government. (collectively, that’s a hefty 3 lacs for the family) Apparently Junior B wasn’t at all happy with the family’s noble gesture. He had planned to collect all the moolah and plough it into his Jaipur kabaddi team. He will now have to approach the Gujarat government for funding, since Dad’s the brand ambassador. That is if his Whatsapp message goes through to Anandiben Shah. Considering the state is in a perpetual state of ‘no Internet services’, courtesy the antics of one Hardik Patel.

5. Our elected mantris continue to give unsound bytes about the countless tragedies befalling the nation. And I say, it’s not their fault, okay. Poor chaps they’re just mouthing like parrots what their speech writers tell them. Sometimes they read off teleprompters that barely work.

6. Happy Dusshera, dear reader. I’m sure at some point, good will triumph over evil.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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