Rahul da Cunha: Ivan ka triumph!

Dec 03, 2017, 07:27 IST | Rahul da Cunha

See boss! I'm thoda confused. Ivanka Trump showed up in Hyderabad to hang out with a white robot, a kind of desi R2D2 called Mitron, and every business head who is accused in the Panana Papers chakkar, and the Paradise Papers scandal showed up in lar

Rahul da CunhaSee boss! I'm thoda confused. Ivanka Trump showed up in Hyderabad to hang out with a white robot, a kind of desi R2D2 called Mitron, and every business head who is accused in the Panana Papers chakkar, and the Paradise Papers scandal showed up in large delegations to meet her. So I have several issues, actually, questions, is a more appropriate word, dear reader.

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Who is Ivanka Trump? Matlab I know she is Donald Trump's daughter, but is she Melania's real kid? Point is they both look the same age. Modern botox has made it possible for ma/betis to look the same age but that is not my only query. Main pooch rahaa hoon, and more importantly, WHO is she? I mean she isn't the Sushma Swaraj equivalent of external affairs minister, right? So, when we talk of Indo-US relations, when India visits the White House, Modiji goes himself and bear hugs his equivalent. I would expect, that kum se kum Donnie baba would have showed up himself. Okay, chalo, he's spending his time undoing all of Obama's plans and fighting the Mexicans, but to send his daughter is un-Presidented. Hai, na? Okay, you'll argue that this summit is about 'Women First' or some such fancy title, like 'Global Entrepreneurship' but it's about women, so then why is Narendrabhai leading it? Aap bolenge that our PM has no daughter. But I feel newly crowned Miss World Manushi Chhillar would be most apt. But hey that's me.

On another note, what kind of name is Ivanka? Ivanka Trump, when I first read it, sounded like Ivan the Terrible, but that was just a dyslexic moment.

When I was growing up, American girls had names like Jane and Barbara, and Indian lasses were christened Savitri and Savita — now, when Yank girls are Ivanka and desi girls are Priyanka, the lines get blurred, like Ivanka and Priyanka sound like two long-lost twin sisters in Baywatch. (Also why was wasn't PeeCee summoned to meet Miss Trump? #JustAsking)

I'm also intrigued by what IvTr and NaMo spoke about -- like did she ask him, "Bro, how many seats will you win in Gujarat, considering that RaGa, who was a non-entity till a few months ago, has really got his act together and is really Channel V-ing you guys in social media?"

"Channel V-ing, matlab?"

"Uhh... closing you down. And, if this is meant to be a 'women are the true leaders in India' conference, why aren't you dudes just not able to ensure their safety?"

And, final confusion, why was there a white robot like in 'Star Wars' at this conference? Was it because Mr Modi said 'May the force be with you' in Madison Square Gardens a few years ago?

Chalo, these are just questions. Actually, right now I'm more bothered by who will replace Meghan Markle in the seventh season of Suits. And will 116-year-old Queen Elizabeth show up for the spring wedding of her grandson, considering that Ms Markle is American and a commoner.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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