Arre Dikuna men, youre blind or wot? Do I look wet? Lobo Lobo spluttered through clenched teeth.
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over shivering, his teeth chattering. I was instantly concerned.
"Lobo Lobo, are you cold? Are you soaked? Too much rain? You got drenched in yesterday's downpour?
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Talk to me."
"Arre Dikuna men, you're blind or wot? Do I look wet?" Lobo Lobo spluttered through clenched teeth.
"Okay, my apologies, Theo. Please tell me why you're nervous."
"Because I'm damn scared ya. I'm shitting men… you've read na, dat all dese actors are being accused of participating in a drug racket. Dey have been summoned by dese people… dose whachyoumallit... NCB."
"Yes, the Narcotics Control Bureau."
"Yes yes! And, all dem filmi folks, Deepika, Shakti Kapoor's daughter, and Sara Ali Khan… all de heroines are called for de questioning of drugs possession."
"Oh no! But, why are you nervous? Who are you scared of? What have you done, how are you involved in all this?"
"Arrey! I've done nutting chhe. See men, before dey remooed me from my Cable TV job, you don't know, but I used to go to dere homes—Deepika, Shraddha, Sara—to fix dere cables. So, dese NCB peoples are checking everyone's WhatsApp messages."
"But surely, they're looking for a nexus between Bollywood and the drug cartel. Why would they target you?"
"Arrey men. Dey were checking Deepika's, Shraddha's and Sara's WhatsApp and found my messages to dem! Chhe men, one day, Shraddha's set top box needed some spares so I messaged her: 'Hello Shraddaji I'm on my way your residence… am in Pali market picking up de 'maal'.' So dey tink I was getting drugs."
"Den, dey started checking my WhatsApp messages. Dey tink dat I am a supplier of 'maal'."
"Lobo Lobo, how can anyone think that you could have anything to do with drugs?"
"Arrey Dikuna men, I have become a person of interest of late. After I was laid off from my job, I have taken up taking care of my building. De atorities have been keeping a watch on my messages. I am now de 'Joint secretary', of de building. Dey detected de word, 'joint'."
"Den, anudder time, I was sending a stinker to de building treasurer, Ashish Dey. One day, I mistakenly typed his name as 'hAshish', so you can imagine de chaos. Dey tink I am supplying hashish to tenants in de building."
"We have an account wid 'Syndicate Bank. I sent one message to my neighbour, 'I am proceeding to 'Syndicate bank'. Dey have said I am part of a 'drug syndicate'."
"Wot to do men. Everyting I'm typing men, dey are seeing as a link to de drugs cartel. So tomorrow, I have to go in for questioning. I am damn nervous men. Who wants go into judicial custody, wot if I cannot get de bail?"
Lobo Lobo's phone pinged.
I asked, "Is it the NCB hounding you again?"
"No no men. It's the NDPS," Lobo Lobo said.
"NDPS? Is that the Narcotic Drugs and Psychotropic Substances?"
"No no men. Dikuna dis is my booze shop, NDPS, Newton Dominic Pinto Spirits. I owe de blighter money men!"
he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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