Illustration/Uday Mohite
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Lobo Lobo came over the other day, he was upset.
"So, what's the issue, Lobo Lobo. Why aren't you a happy man? COVID-19 is on the downslide, Mr Bachchan is home and well, the IPL will be played in the desert. What ails you, tell me?"
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"See Dikuna men, I damn pissed off wid life men. Where to begin? Should I start at de very beginning?"
"It's a very good place to start," I said cleverly.
"Okay men. I hope you have some time to listen. You know we have a big big sports ground next to our building na?"
"I did not know this, but good to know. Please continue."
"Arre! Where you bin men? It is a world famous sports ground in Virar. You can play solid sports dere, many generations of children in de building and de 'aas paas' ka neighbourhoods come and play dere—footer, cirkit, vollyball, catching cook, langdi, kho kho, hu tu tu. All dese young footballers come with dose 'naqli football jerseys dat read at de back, 'Measi' and 'Runaldo'. Ooof deadly it is. Dat Rohit Sharma chappie, you know na, he plays for Nita Bhabhi's team in de IPL, Mumbai Indians. He grew up playing here in de 90s."
"Okay, Theo so what's the problem, my friend?" I asked patiently.
"Don't rush me men! Okay, so recently trouble has begun! So dis guy men, harami bugger, lives in our colony only. 'Cheetah Shroff' he calls himself. He has tree tree SUVs men. Dat big wochyocall, aah Range Rover. He wants to construct one big big parking lot for all de cars. Dat pay and park ting in de same place as the sports ground. Arrey! Where de kids will play? So for many years he's trying to get his evil plan trooo. Luckily he's not managed to get his 'jugaaad troo', yet. But Dikuna man, as luck wud have it, moe and moe scoundrels have come forward, out of de woodwork, all trowing history in our faces, claiming de property."
"History, what do you mean?", I enquired.
"Arrey history men. Acshully more like archaeology, chhe! One duffer, Goduram Talpade showed up with some drawings and maps and he's telling me, dat 60 years ago, dat whole area, where de sports ground is situated was a fish market, like de Citylight Macchi Bazaar. So, he has a plan for building a world class aquarium, wid all types fishes and marine life in de same spot! Claims he has BMC permission! Den, dat one villain, Bhimsen Bhattacharya, lives down de road, he's telling dat 100 years before, this used to be farmland, were dey would rear cows and bulls and horses etc, so he has an idea of creating a Singapore-type shopping mall where dey will sell all varieties of leather goods etc. Dikuna men, wot wot tings people are coming up wid men!"
Lobo Lobo came forward, his voice lowering, "But Dikuna men, I have a plan..."
"A plan. What kind of plan?"
"After last week's downpour in Mumbai, especially in Virar, in fact, NeBo (New Bombay) got 210 mm on one day, our whole area was flooded, including de sports ground.
In fact, de water is still dere men. I'm tinking of building a swimming and diving pool. I will call it 'Lobo's Swimming Club' and will find India's first Michael Phelps."
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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