Lobo Lobo and TikTok

Yes men. Ezzactly. My rascal lukha son Ronaldo, shoots short videos of my better half Myrtle and me.

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo was upset. Very upset. He called me.

"Dikuna men, I'm upset. Solid upset. My life is turned upside down, chhe!"

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"What's upsetting you, Lobo Lobo?"

"Boss de government has banned all dese Chinese apps, 59 of dem to be specific men."

"Okay. So, are you upset because you were an avid user of TikTok?" I asked jokingly.

Lobo stunned me with his response.

"Yes men. Ezzactly. My rascal 'lukha' son Ronaldo, shoots short videos of my better half Myrtle and me."

"You make videos, of what?"

"I give English classes men. I teach people how to speak wid a perfect accent and pronunciation. See, I know de Queen's English men. So, I tought, why not impart knowledge?"

"And, what about Myrtle?", I enquired fearing the worst.

"She teaches 'Etiquette & Grooming'! Togedder we had hundred tousand followers till dey closed down TikTok."

"Okay. So I can see why you're angry, you've lost income and followers."

"No no Dikuna men!. I'm not 'maha gussa' about TikTok closing, but moe angry because dey shut my favourite Chinese takeaway/home delivery place dat served de best chicken lollypops, and pork spring rolls."

"Why did they close it down?" I enquired?

"Because de place was called Tok & Wok, dose fools tought it was owned by de same company dat owns TikTok! Dey tink Tok & Wok is owned by a Chinese man, when actually it's one of de many businesses of my Sindi neighbour Tikaram Tekchandani, Tiku for short. I tolded him, 'Eh Tiku, change de name of your place. Your sari shop is called Tiku Cutpiece. Your hardware store is Tiku Shiku. Call your takeaway place, Tiku's Tickling Delicacies'. He refused me, blinking fool."

"Okay Lobo Lobo. Chin up. This can't be the only reason you're upset. Surely you can get Chinese food elsewhere in the city?"

"You're right men, Mr Rahul. So, last night I decided to go my favourite Chinese restaurant down de road. De problem is it's beyond de border!"

"The border? The Indo-Chinese border?"

"See Dikuna men, our Maharashtra govt has made dis 2 km rule men, so you can't go beyond dis limit for anyting. Dat damn favourite restaurant of mine, is bloody dere only men, widin touching distance, I measured it men, its bleddy 2 km, 500 feet away from my 'ouse… I tought, 'lemme take a chance and go and eat dere. Who will stop me? Oh foe. I didn't realise dere is a police nakabandi at ezzactly de 2 km mark. And so, I went dere last night men, dis cop tells to me, 'Tum aage nahin jaa sakhta hai bhai, aapko 2 km ka rule nahin pata hai? Chalo wapas jao'."

"I told to him, 'Arrey don't get technical men, it's dere ony, 500 metres'."

"Dat cop flatly refused men. Arre Dikuna men, he would not let me go to LoC."

"LoC, meaning Line of Control?" I asked.

"No men, not dat LoC. Dis LoC is Legacy of China," he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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