Lobo Lobo, Rhea, Ranaut and Reefers

Updated: 13 September, 2020 07:20 IST | Rahul da Cunha | Mumbai

"Oh no Lobo Lobo! Have you seen an ENT specialist? Could be wax, you know, that's hindered your hearing."

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Rahul da CunhaLobo Lobo came over looking like the "shock laga" model in a Havells ad.

"Dikuna men, I am deaf, deaf, deaf, deaf, deaf, deaf, deaf, deaf. I can't hear anything!" he yelled, his hands covering his ears, his mouth open, revealing a full set of 26 pearly white-yellow teeth.

"Oh no Lobo Lobo! Have you seen an ENT specialist? Could be wax, you know, that's hindered your hearing."

"Offo men. Why you taking me literally men… chhe? I'm not really deaf. I meant my head is full of rubbish, my ears are ringing, de ear drums are reverberating. Dey are blocked. Dey are paining wid all dis noise being created by de events dat are rocking our good nation. Wot men. Oof men! I cannot take it anymore. I tink all dese people have COVID, and one side effect of de virus is it makes you shout and talk all dis bunkus!

"Sharrrrrrruuuuppppppppp, I say, shaddduppppp… YYYYYYYYYY. I ask you, YYYYYYY?"

"Why why, what Lobo Lobo?" I enquired.

"Chhe, not 'why' men, I'm saying 'Y' men. Y... Y... Y+ security. Why that lady has Y Plus security? Tell me why dis Ranaut Queen person has Y+ bodyguards. Wot is de point of protecting her? De way she insults everyone in her own profession, arrey dey need protection from her Twitter barbs! Any way, dese Y+ security hulks, dey should have been in Pali Hill, bodyguarding against de bulldozers na? If you aks me, dat udder poor girl, dat Rhea why doesn't she have Y+ security to protect her? All dose blinking camera peepuls, sticking microphones in her face. Bleddy desperate vultures pressing up against her, dese men don't have wives or daughters or wot? No respect or wot men? Arre dat poor girl needs X,Y and Z security from everyone. My Myrtle said to me, 'Theo men, dat young Rhea, she needs to come to our house for one meal men. I'll feed her some pork vindaloo, fatten her up. So tin she is.'"

"Arre men, Dikuna, if anybody interrogated me for 20 hours non-stop, over tree days with, 'Do you take drugs, do you take drugs, drugs drugs, marijuana lete ho?', I would say back, 'Hey hey! Wot goes of your fadder wot goes, huh? Once in college, dere only back of dat college wall, I had a joint. Solid chillum we smoked. Us only—Savio, Trevor and Ansel. After dat, I was so high, I was flying, I was like a pigeon men, I kept banging into tings, so much light my head I had become!"

"Talking about drugs, arrey dat Arnab fellow, on his channel, bleddy loud loud he shouts, he has made me deaf men, he confessed dere only, on de TV, wen he said 'Mujhe drugs do, mujhe drugs do!'. Why no one is arresting him? Widout any interrogation he's confessing dat he wants drugs. Arrest him I say, put him in judicial custody. By dat logic and by Ms Queen's logic, all de Bollywood peepuls will be in jail. She's saying dat 99 per cent of dem are on drugs. Arre! how she knows men? She checks all dere bags, or what? She goes to dere house breaks down dere doors and checks dere cupboards and safes?"

Lobo Lobo took a pause for breath.

"Dikuna men, if you aks me, I tink all of us in mankind need Z+ security."

"Oh really, Lobo Lobo who do we need protection from?"

"From Donald Trump. Especially if he receives the Nobel Peace Prize! Chhe."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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First Published: 13 September, 2020 07:00 IST

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